RAW

I have rage issues.  Had them long before my gingerbread man died.  Been through anger management long before my gingerbread man died.  The rage built up over time.  Being raped 4 times, the first when I was 4 and the last when I was 16.  My mom beat with with the brass belt buckle ever since I can remember.  Every time she hit me I got mad and swallowed it.
Then my mom got cancer and died.  Then my best friend hung himself and my other best friend wiped out while driving dunk and died.  I was enraged with both of them for being so careless…. and I swallowed it.
Then my gingerbread man was kidnapped and taken to Vancouver.  He was gone for 5 weeks.  My gingerbread man loved his dad and didn’t understand why he couldn’t see him.  so I swallowed more rage and asked the judge to let my gingerbread man see his dad….. and the kidnapping case was dropped.
Then I had my one and only vacation…a trip to Cuba that Former Spouse’s parents paid for.   My dad killed himself while I was on the plane.  I turned around, came home.  I was livid with him; not just for the suicide but for the alcoholism, for replacing my mom before she had even succumbed to the cancer…. but he was dead and there’s no such thing as closure so I swallowed that rage.
Then Former Spouse and I were having some wine, sitting in our own home, with our little family, finally where I wanted to be.  I told him I loved this family of ours but something was wrong between us, and that if our marriage was going to last we had to bring to light what was wrong and deal with it.  He told me he had never been faithful to me but for the first 6 months of our 9 year marriage.  I only counted the women he remembered the names of and there were 23 names.  When I asked him why he did it he said because he was horny and I blackened his eye.  After years of anger management I blackened his eye.  I begged him to call the cops and report me for domestic abuse because I knew if the lid came off that can of whoop ass the whole damn world was in trouble.
A month later he told me he forgot to mention he also slept with a triple amputee.  Number 24. I beat his arm with a Perrier bottle and realized that I was going to have to swallow my rage…. for my kids.  Former Spouse went into psychiatric treatment at Homewood in Guelph for cerebral narcissism.   The day he was released I went to pick him up and he told me he was leaving with Number 25.
Then he foreclosed on the mortgage without telling me, lost the house and had to move with shopping carts.  I didn’t have time to do anything but find a way to keep my kids from being homeless. I’m pretty sure I haven’t dealt with that rage at all.
Then my gingerbread man, my moon, my earth and my stars fucking died on me but I love him so much I can’t get mad at him.  He would never have wanted this to happen.
So my shrink thinks I need to think ahead, live in the now.  She asked me to plan something  in the future; something to look forward to.  Planned my first real trip since the aborted  Cuba trip in ’89.  My first real vacation.  I worked the budget over and over and made it work and planned a trip in St. John’s, NFLD.  Stay in an historic jelly bean house suite downtown. Relax.  My ideal trip. I put the tickets on my credit card and the rest was coming from Paramour’s.
This month a 2000 dollar crisis came up.  I worked every angle I could but the only way I could get the money involved was by being a big girl and cancelling the trip.  I cancelled what I had to look forward to in the future. 
I’m swallowing the rage I have because Paramour didn’t come through with his end.  I’m swallowing the rage I feel for being duped by my shrink which really isn’t what happened but it is how I feel.
 
Also this month I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia to go along with the PTSD for shits and giggles. I thought that there would be this concrete answer for all the pain and we would fix it and all would be back to average; which is good. One day where something didn’t hurt would be good.  It feels like I’m metaphysical cutting. 
I feel like the fibromyalgia is just my body deliberately harming me. It’s just an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger and frustration. I have some sort of emotion that I can’t control and my body aches for me so that the outside matches the inside.  I feel like my body is betraying me.  So I swallow the rage because it’s so intense, it’s so fucking raw that the adrenaline rush instantly makes me puke.