I am sick of him being so self-absorbed
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I am sick of him being so self-absorbed he inadvertently shits on me. He couldn’t take time off work for convocation but could for a canoe trip. The time he took off for the canoe trip screwed me out of the time I asked him to take off for July 12th and he then couldn’t take the 15th off either. There was no celebration for finishing college, finishing top of my program, making the deans list or for my book…. Not a priority and yet rehearsal with the mudflap boys is top priority. I am trying to finish the second book with no one picking up any slack, no where to work that isn’t crowded out by teenagers and no on who believes in me. I need an office, I need one to set up the business, have a workspace, deduct from taxes, and apply for a start up loan…. Gah,. My dreams do not seem to be something Jordan feels the need to actively support and yet he considers it a grave indiscretion if I even mention “rehearsals”.
He doesn’t have a family doctor, he’s fucking renting drums to keep at the Matt’s house so no one plays his pine set that sits at the Matt’s house, McLoud wants to go on tour and is talking about buying a tour bus, Gawain wants Jordan to Amsterdam to get tattoos from some fucking chick and I can’t get Jordan to take me up to the tattoo place to get mine finished and I’ve only asked him 4 fucking times now to give me a date when that would be good.
I taught him how to eat pussy and eat it well and now he‘s acting like King Cock and as if all of the above mentioned is unnecessary and beneath him. He uses it as some sort of accomplishment he’s made in our relationship. I am happy he doesn’t feel like a sexual fuck up and I am happy he’s doing the fucking dead. But he’s ding that thing where he constantly talks about it so I’ll coddle him and praise him and I don’t fucking give points for doing what you’re supposed to do. I told him all of what’s in this missive on Friday morning and he came home and apologized (which now means nothing and hasn’t in years) and I told him he could make it up by going down on me. This morning I mentioned that the making up part hasn’t happened yet and he said “well, when you’re in the kind of mood you’re in now it doesn’t exactly make me feel horny”. Good Christ. As I said to him: “you don’t care about my accomplishments or my dreams or my wants or needs or anything else as long as I pay the bills and say nothing about Kitchener so what fucking mood do you expect me to me in?”
As far as sex lives go…. I have had to tighten my belt so much I have metaphysical belt sores for all the different kinds of sexual activity I used to participate in and now get nought of. It only took me 7 fucking years to get him to go down on me and now he wants a fucking medal for it. I’ll tell you where he can stick that fucking medal. How it is he can act the martyr like all he sacrifices for this relationship is fucking beyond me. Really. I think I’m a bitch but clearly I do not speak up enough.
The house stuff is yet another thorn in my side. So far this summer I paid for a trainer, paid for an in house gym, have painted the fence I bought the paint for, as well as the front porch, rearranged the basement, bought and helped install a basement in the gym, I have painted the kitchen cupboards, am in the process of painting the baseboards, doors and doorframes and he has…..
Helped Jeff hang 2 mirrors and fix a strip of aluminum siding…. Which, I paid for the equipment and beer and food, to feed Jeff as thanks. I also bought his father’s day present for his step dad, not once but twice (long story).
I am sure there is mold in the house but that’s an aside as there is no way to tell if it’s the weather or what that’s making my arthritis act up and has me scattered and unfocused.
The sink is leaking into the basement, the eaves are leaking into the wall and causing mold, the soffits needed to be painted 3 summers ago, the eaves need to be patched and fixed, the kitchen has to be retiled, the shed needs to be repaired, the top of the porch roof has to be fixed, the front porch needs to be re-turfed or better yet, have proper wood stairs put in and none of this can I do by myself or with the help of the girls. Most of these things were on our home repair inspection list from 3 summers ago. Who has paid for all repairs so far….me. Who will pay for the ones that need to happen….me. In the fucking 3 summers we’ve lived her he hasn’t fucking cut the grass not once and who’s allergic to grass…. Me. Who has done ever single bit of yardwork around here…. Me.
I am overwhelmed by the things I have to get done to start my business and have it running and I am working on yet another cookbook as I want off of disability and I need to be self sufficient by 2016 or so when I have no child support and child tax credit and such and I feel like I am worryi
ng about this on my own and have to figure it out and make it happen all on my own while doing Lola Stones Promo packages and business cards…. Well, you get the point. What the fuck am I in a relationship for when I dream alone, have all the responsibility and am unhappy, am undersexed and underappreciated and….
Mad.