The back-story

So.

I met this guy eight years ago on holiday in Europe.

I fell for him so, very, hard and I think he fell the same for me. He was married, I was in a relationship and neither of us was happy with our partners. We spent a week together and it was magical. When we both got home we started off texting and emailing, and then eventually chatting on the phone. He’d call me every day as he was driving home from work; I wasn’t working then so had the time to chat. We started talking about telling our partners and making it real, and he booked to come over and see me in England. At about this time the doubts started crowding my mind. In all honesty the whole thing just felt too real; the way I felt about him was too intense and I stared to imagine all the things which could go wrong. After about six months I told him I didn’t think it was going to work- he was sad and angry and we stopped talking.

I regretted chickening out, but the damage was done. I split up with my boyfriend not long after.

Four and half years ago he messages me. I was six months into a new relationship, with a guy who seemed lovely and who I got on with really well. I was torn down the middle. I was so happy to hear from the guy from my holiday, but didn’t want to throw in the towel with the new man in my life. I texted my holiday romance for about two weeks, confessed I still had feelings for him but was honest and told him I’d just started seeing someone, so the timing sucked. I can’t remember exactly what we said to one another now, but I know that he ghosted me. One day we were texting and the next day he went silent. A week later I sent him a message telling him he was a F*****G A*****E and that I never wanted to hear from him again.

I deleted his message and our message chain, and told myself it hadn’t been my fault- he was clearly a dick. However this hurt me hard, really hard. I had really strong feelings for him still and it had meant a lot to hear from him. He kinda broke my heart at that time.

Two months ago I messaged him after breaking up with the guy I’d been with, at this point, for five years. We emailed back and forth for two nights- the feelings were still there and he told me he’d come see me. I fell for him hard again. However, I had just got out of a five year relationship. He pointed out that this wasn’t the best time for us to get close again, and of course he was right. When I asked him why he’d ghosted me four and a half years ago, he told me that he and his wife were in divorce proceedings then and that if he’d continued texting me his case for custody over his two kids would be less strong. I pointed out that he could have told me that, and he acknowledged he’d handled the situation badly. ISSUE 1: He handled this situation terribly, not just badly.

He told me that he and his wife had had first kid not long after I’d broken it off. He told me I’d completely messed him up at that time, that he felt as though he couldn’t hold onto me, and he also said that he wished that when he and her finally broke up he wished I’d been there to see it. ISSUE 2: If he’d cared that much he could have messaged me then. He told me he’d left me alone to be happy, that he believed I hated him and didn’t want to hear from him.

So. After two nights messaging by email we started texting. He went away for three days, and couldn’t message. ISSUE 3: He could have messaged me. I spent 3 nights certain he wasn’t going to message back again. He eventually did, when he got home. Since then, he hasn’t messaged as much as I would have liked him to, I have acted like an idiot in the sense that I am not good at being patient. He keeps telling me, if this is going to work it needs to happen slowly, naturally. I counter that by saying- if we don’t talk to one another, how on earth is anything going to happen at all.

He has said that the last time round messed him up. He is scared that I’m going to go silent again; he’s scared that if he commits and I change my mind, it would break him. I’m not sure whether or not he’s being completely honest and open with me, or something else. ISSUE 4: surely he should have decided whether or not he can trust me by now. He’d told me several times that he’s not playing with me; one night, when I was having a really bad one he sat and consoled me till about 2am. He’s comforting, and tells me he worries about me. I’ve been a bit of a mess over the last two months and there has been many instances where I feel as though he genuinely cares. However there have also been a lot of moments I feel as though he can’t commit for some reason, or he’s not prepared to commit.

Though, on the other hand, he has said that the reason he’s taking his time is because he believes it could be long term. I’ve said the same thing.

I can’t work out if his silence is going to turn into something, or if I’m going to end up feeling like the world’s biggest fool. My feelings for him are strong enough that I think it’s worth waiting for, and it’s gotten easier. Last tuesday we spoke on the phone and I called him a dickhead, in fact I called him a dickhead with a superiority complex. We hung up, I was angry so texted him telling him to trust his gut- if he didn’t want to see me he should just stay where he was. Woke up the next morning, changed my mind and messaged again. Three more times. I spent the next day and night kicking myself for my complete lack of patience, and any form of composure I messaged finally asking if he hated me, expecting him to stay silent (again) and that be it.

He messaged back saying he didn’t hate me, but was only giving him and me time to think. I cried a little bit then.

I know how dumb it all sounds, but I’ve been a bit of a nightmare texter. This is my own opinion, my own reflection. I have a lot more self-respect that what I have portrayed, and IMO have come across like a complete fcking idiot. This is because I’ve been sad, needy and a bit of a mess. He seems to have grasped that, and has told me repeatedly to just slow it all down. Unfortunately this has only worked to make me madder.

However there is a lot going on with me at the moment, and I do actually feel a lot better now than I did two months ago. He’s helped me get over messy break up and given me a lot back. He told me he loved me, the night I was having a really bad one. He’s just said that he’s not sure; not sure that it’ll work, not sure if it’s right. For the first month, when he told me we both needed to talk to just got angry- I retorted that I didn’t need to think, I knew what I wanted and it was him. I was willing to give it a try.

He seems to want to know beforehand that it’s all going to work out, and I keep telling him this is impossible. We can only meet up and see what happens- I don’t think he believes I’m serious.

However, I do think he knows me very well. When I broke up with my ex, before starting to talk to him again, I decided I needed to be on my own for a bit. When we started talking again I knew I wanted to try and make it work with him, but I feel like he needs a certainty from me which I do have, but I’m not sure I’m ever going to have in the way he needs it to be.

I don’t know what he wants, I feel like he’s picking up on a load of subliminal crap with me, which I’m only going to be able to get over fully in time. But he doesn’t seem to be able to grasp that.

I want to give us a try- and he wants me to know for certain now, but how can you ever know anything for certain?

This has been a long, rambling entry.

There might be a few more as there is a lot in my head right now.