No different theme

I’ve lost my way.

HI really fell through the cracks two nights ago. I had my first drink in three months; don’t anybody worry and start thinking I’m drinking to dissolve myself, it wasn’t anything like that. I suffered liver failure three months ago, but it was after a 5 week mental health relapse. I very much want to live, and I very much want to keep progressing in this life, but I had a really bad afternoon, really bad and I knew that the only thing that would likely take the edge off was a glass of wine. Moreover I’ve been wanting to have one for a while now, to see how it felt. The doctors never told me I couldn’t drink, they just told me to keep it to one glass, to be sensible. It did take the edge off, and I felt better the next day, and I haven’t had one since.

But I’m struggling, or conflicted still, about this man I’ve met. I finally got up the courage to contact him and tell him this isn’t the right time for me. Whatever he wants, however interesting it may seem, and intriguing, there’s a part of me which says I should take time for myself at the moment, focus purely on myself. However, typically, another voice pipes up quickly afterwards and says, “well when will be the right time to get back on the saddle, and surely you’ll always feel nervous?” Moreover this guys got something different, there’s something about him.

I’m wavering though. I messaged him saying I was low, and wasn’t sure whether I was in the right frame of mind to get into something right now. In my mind I was so proud of myself for messaging him at all, being assertive, more assertive than I’ve been so far perhaps, or for a while. I was pleased with myself, and I still am. But he came back saying something really nice, and indicating that he’d be there to help me through hard times if I wanted him to be. Which wasn’t what I was expecting. It’s ridiculous really- I haven’t even met the guy and I feel like I’m thinking about him as if we have.

I’m more honest with him than I’ve ever been with a guy before. And I’m noticing that in myself. He says he believes in directness, in openness and honesty. I’m the same- I appreciate openness more than anything else, and find it much easier to be honest than to hide things. It’s strange though. I do feel like I know him, despite the fact that we haven’t actually yet met.

He’s got some fairly out there ideas though, although I’m somewhat glad that he told me about them because it’s making me think long term, which I hadn’t been doing to begin with. I was letting my fears and my negativity drive me, and I don’t want to do that. He’s challenged me, to think of myself in higher terms, in a more positive mindset, because to be honest, my self opinion had been getting fairly low lately. I do respect myself, and I think I deserve love, deserve happiness. Its just that on the flip side to this I’ve put on a little bit of weight recently and so don’t feel too hot when I catch my reflection in the mirror.

I need to get over this though. I keep thinking of the comment Toni Morrison made, that the word “beauty” is one of the most destructive in the human language. When I get low, and I start to self perceive myself as ugly, that’s when I really start shooting myself down, and it’s toxic, really toxic. I started getting really hung up on the idea that I wasn’t good enough to meet this guy, that he would think I was unattractive or not good enough, and I hate that, I hate the idea of not meeting up with someone I might have feelings for, and who might have feelings for me, because of something so superficial.

This was why I, at first, started feeling off meeting up with him. Then though, it did genuinely become because I feel as though I need to take out time for myself. I still think this,  on a level. I don’t need to have someone else in the back of my mind. This argument has a lot of weight to it, and the only reason I’m still talking to him is because I think he’s worth it. I’m not on Tinder looking for anyone else, it’s just him.

I’ve been slightly better the last couple of days. I am dieting again, but that was part of my 2020 plan anyway, so I’m fine with it.

Anyway, this may all be a bit cringey atm, but it’s my diary, so I’m writing without censorship.