Further change in tone

So I think that to recreate my own sense of pride on this website, I need to start writing about something other than the men I am mooning over. It’s cringeworthy and on most days, I like to believe that I’m above it. However, it’s tricky, especially at the moment when my mental health is controversal. I keep checking at the window, expecting him to show up, or hoping that he’ll show up. But I know it’s all about instant gratification; I want the pleasure I can imagine instantly, like a hit of hot chocolate. I’m too addicted to sugar; I want the rush right now.

There’s a lot going on for me at the moment though. I kept a diary for the period of time I was on the psych ward, and wrote in it most days because there was a lot going on for me, a lot to try and process. However I think I’m going to continue using this site, because it;s faster to type and I like the idea that someone might read and offer thoughts or advice. I’m not sure if I’ll continue to keep a paper diary- I like the romantic aspect to it, but I’m drawn more now practically to write on here. I can write a lot, and I have a wordpress account but don’t want to start using that as a journal basically- I don’t think too many people are going to be bothered about my convoluted ramblings. I’m going to use this site for that, and keep my wordpress account for articles I feel are more focused. I want to try and publish two articles a week at least, on WordPress, and get back into the habit of delving into abstractions and ideas on there. There’s quite a few series of articles which I’ve started but haven’t finished. The articles on there are generally about either writing or mental health, and it’s the second topic I want to really wind into convolutions on here. I’m not going to edit, I’m just going to free write, so I apologise if you’re reading this and getting extremely bored.

My mental health suffered a kind of rupture at the beginning of September. I had to leave work because the way I was perceiving the people around me became very schizophrenic. It was terrifying and mystifying. I honestly couldn’t believe I was seeing what I was seeing to be honest, because I haven’t dealt with symptoms like that for about a decade.

It seemed as though all the people around me were aware of me, and were aware of and kind of drawn to my presense. Even as I write this I think, analyse and rationalise- perhaps, as part of my waking up, I became aware of that level of human interaction which I hadn’t been connected to beforehand. I wonder if I was hyper sensitive to other peoples completely usual awareness of me.

It felt like I was the centre of the room; I became fixated on the idea that I was drawing away from my managers ‘power’ position, that the people in the room were looking to me first, rather than her as the normal hierarchy in the room would have dictated. This would lead into many of the later experiences I had whereby the “voices” were calling me a manager, and stating that I would be able to handle the stress, power etc which came with the position.

On the day, I remember trying to speak and fit into the office, rhythm etc, but I was also trying to do my work and I was stretched to the end of my tether. Though this was also the result of another factor of the day, which was that I became certain that myself and another staff member were warring subliminally- the person was a very loud and passionate woman and I became really fixated that I was inadvertantly warring with her because I refused to back down. I didn’t know how to back down.

She was a factor into many other experiences later, and some of the worst of them. I was sure she’d never back down until I did, and there was a lot of negativity which flowed from that. But that day, my belief that there was some kind of power play going on. Later this led into so much concerning my own inability to let power go, as much as I wanted to. I apparently needed to love my feet, which I do, but when under pressure can become an apparently herculean task.

But anyway, I digress. I didn’t go back into work after that day; I’m not sure if the events of the evening became worse, I can’t remember exactly what happened but I don’t think I called in after the first day. That was two three months ago, and I ended up handing in my notice fully, which I still have very mixed feelings about. I’m not sure if I’d gone in the next day whether my symptoms would have dissipated on their own, I worry that I should have continued to go in, should have seen it through, but I’m hoping that I made the correct decision. I’m still stressed by the pressure dreams I had, and praying that my interpretation of them is correct, though I know in my heart of hearts that I’m the only one who can determine and decide that.

Now, I’m in a strange place. I’m holding onto the aspects of the experiences which I feel are relevant without falling off into the idea that anything bad will happen if I let go of them. I doubt too many people will read this and so I feel as though I can be open. The last time I experienced schizophrenia, though even as I write this I’m freaking out that I’m presuming too much with a casual nature of the way I used that word. There is nothing casual about schizophrenia, and I need to ensure that I hold onto the respect which is due. It terrified me, and so I must leave it behind.

I must find a way to encorporate faith into my life, and to be the best that I can be. At the moment, I’m getting derailed because I don’t feel as though I’m doing enough to make this happen. This is because I’m not- my mood always drops when I put on weight, and Ive been going round and round beating myself up over the superficial nature of this, but part of the experiences were trying to build up my courage and self belief. I need to resist the urge to beat myself up. I am worth more than that. I will get fit, starting next week.

I apologise to anyone who is reading this, as I’m jumping about massively. This time, it’s about me, what is best for me and me alone. The parent aspect is the main thing to figure out, i’m going back to Tatsfield for christmas and just need to keep it real. I won’t be drinking so it should be easier to keep myself true. I’m there because I need to be but not because I want to be and that’s fine.

I could jump massively into the Kabbalah factor of this relapse, because it occurred to me the other day that this is the second time I’ve almost died. First time around I was lucky on my own strength, this time around I was lucky due to the actions of another. I believe Kabbalah is about following a pathway which puts things into the most objective perspective possible. I’m not sure that I was doing this, but perhaps with my own life. Not sure about with other peoples lives.

I am jumping and jumping here. But I feel a bit better for it. I’m being open, being honest- for some reason this feels right.

I may do a bit of research now into Kabbalah and come back to write a more specific post, but it was a massively aspect of what was happening to me, though at first not always in a positive sense. I ended up casting the word out of human kinds lexicon in a moment when I felt as though my life was spinning out of control, and became convinced of a whole lot of other things as well, which I won’t go into here. However I’d like to gain a better understanding of what it really means, because again it seems important.

I’d also like to learn more about Buddhism, for the same reason. I ended up shattered a glass  covered print I had of the Dali Larma, halfway through the experiences, because I lost some faith- however going back to what I was previously saying- first time around the experiences were spiritual. The Gods, all the different Gods of all the different faiths were there but they didn’t factor in. This time around it was more of a religious experience- I was aware of the christian and the Hindu gods specifically, and perhaps this links back to the time I spent travelling in India. But they were the driving forces, though I have more opinions on what that all means as well.

Just started reading some bits, but think it’s all still too close. Still a bit self superior perhaps. I’m still too divided, unstable- in the sense that I’ve still got anger in me, which I’d like to learn how to lose. I know how traditionally to lose it- I just need to dedicate myself to it.

Anyway, this post became completely confused. Lol perhaps I should keep to my notebooks when my thoughts are this messy.