Drifting

I’ve been at home now 2 nights. Christmas is over and represents a significant event between the now and the relapse. I had a strange morning- woke up with a painful back which took about an hour and a hot shower to ease away. It felt a little bit similar to the sensations of severe heart burn when they come on, which are really, really painful.

I was OK though, by the time I’d drank my second cup of tea I felt usually awake and optimistic. I’ve reduced my meds down from 400mg to 250mg over the last 2 weeks and leaving hospital. I believe it’s the right thing to do, those high levels of unfocus and depression couldn’t be achieving anything positive. I had a moment last night though where S’s voice told me to do the opposite, and it seemed caring. But then again, that’s how I’d want it to sound. That’s how I’d like to believe it would sound now if I heard it again.

It occurred to me that these experiences manifested again with love, strong love with the potential to tug and pull. He said it was the power of sex, and it definitely was to a degree, but for myself it was also the power of love. I had such strong feelings for him. And I’ll never get to know what it was he wanted to tell me the last time he came around to my flat; he came into the kitchen and said, there’s something I want to tell you, then he darted his eyes to the bedroom and I followed with a slightly haughty toss of my head. I was pissed off with him so afterwards stormed put of the bedroom, and he left soon after. He never divulged what it was he wanted to share, and I’ll always wonder and speculate. I went through a phase of believing he was going to tell me he had an STI, that he’d hated me from day 1 and had infected me with Aids or Chlamydia or something. This seemed likely in the context of the relapse, and the extremity which I saw in his personality.

Then I wondered was he going to tell me he loved me as well, reciprocate the feelings I’d expressed, rather harshly, to him weeks earlier. I’d love to know, and spent weeks around the time I was hospitalised praying for some kind of resolution. Now, weeks later and with 3 sexual partners between him and me, I’m trying not to think about him at all. It’s not difficult to be honest, its more how he factors into my other experiences. He seemed to be protecting me, then loathing me, then worshiping me. At times the voices led me to believe he wanted to propose, and as much as I dnt believe this I believe I was unaware of his feelings for me.

But, I need to stop going round and round this. He hasn’t called, I need to stick with the certainties rather than the dreams. I’ve basically moved on any way, it’s just that the symptoms have me believe there’s something more- wisdom shows me there’s not.

Signs happen when they happen, it is not about waiting for them or looking for them. All I do is the things I want to, the things which will help me, and continue to try and better myself. Follow the same pathway, but for me. I’m happy with the revelation that once again love was a catalyst, and I could write more now but it’s not the right time.

Later.