8/10/2020

I finally lost weight. This may sound superficial but I swear to God there’s nothing more demoralising and consequently depressing than eating right, avoiding everything you want foodwise for two weeks and not actually lose anything. Every morning I get on the scales and have to avoid hurling them across the room- and the thought-processes which are thrown up as another consequent. You’ll never get there, you’re wasting your time, you’ll always be a fat, ugly mess.. I end up kicking myself so hard when I’m already down. It’d fricking stupid but so very hard to stop doing. You have a clear goal and it seems as though you’re failing every day- is very very hard to not let that become a symbol of life in general. So today I got on the scales, and practically jumped for joy when I saw that my weight had FINALLY fallen.

It was then a kinda strange day. I got up late and was pissed off, but then getting on the scales made me feel better. I haven’t done loads, but have started clearing out all of my stuff, which is a chore I’ve been meaning to do for weeks. I have 3 large boxes which had been stored under my bed, full up with all diaries, letters, year books, emails anItd poems etc etc. When I was unwell one of the positive voices, or what I believe were positive voices, told me to move all of that stuff out from under my bed, because the energy, karma etc was sitting under my head, my body as I was sleeping. I have one folder of writings from the first time i was unwell which are so stereotypically crazy it’s laughable.. It formed a big part of my illness this time, but I can’t bring myself to throw it all away. HOwever as far as bad energy goes it might be up there as not something which I want under me whilst I sleep. So I’ve started sorting it all through. If I’m honest, I spent 40 mins reading through my old year books from year 11 and year 12, and then looking at all photos and notes. It was good motivation for the diet- I was so hot back then! Probably a size 10/12 and all bones and legs.. so that made me want to keep avoiding sugar for the time being.. But it was a little depressing as well, reading through all of my year books letters and notes from so many lovely people, it couldn’t help but make me feel as though if we had some kind of reunion now I’d win the prize for greatest lost potential, or greatest screw up. It’s kinda lit a fire to make me want to work harder now.. I still have untapped potential, I’ve just got to find my way in.

I watched this series call Emily in Paris yesterday- again, lit a fire.

Anyway.. enough for now. Peace 🙂