31/10/2020

So today’s been weird. It’s been absolutely throwing it down with rain up until about a couple of hours ago. I got up late, about 11.30 and spent the first four or so hours of the day mooching about and trying not to let the weather get to me. I had all my hair cut off yesterday, really short, cropped style and so did spend a lot of time staring into the mirror and messing it around into different styles. Sometimes I really like it, and other times I just like it. I had my hair like this many years ago, and am going through the typical- it would look so much better if I could lose about 2 stone and especially some weight around my face. It looks good now, but, as always, would look better if I could get slimmer. I’ve hit a little bit of a mental wall with the weight- as I’ve been dieting now I think for about 2 months, and am struggling around one weight. I’m trying to work this self compassion work in I’ve been doing with my psych lady, and to not beat myself up too hard.

So then I ended up going down to the valley because the rain stopped and I wanted to get out. I had been planning to go into Croydon today but the weather stopped that from happening. Although the reason I was going into Croydon was to get my hair coloured, but eventually I did call them and they told me it would cost between £65 and £75 which wasn’t too different to the expensive place. So instead I went down into the valley and bought bleach and toner for £10, and I will do it myself. I bought a bus ticket down there- then deliberated about getting a KFC. I was low energy and decided in the end I’d actually only feel worse for doing this. So instead bought a toasted cheese sandwich from Costa, a coffee and a piece of banana bread, which gave me some energy but didn’t actually make me feel that much better. Then I had this great idea that I’d walk home, a 25 minute walk with a significant hill at the start of it, and then go for a run when I got in. As much as I’m kinda of moaning at the moment, I wonder about the fact that I’m definitely craving exercise over junk food, more than I was before. I realised it was going to be too dark to run round the aerodrone, and then felt like a fraud for a little while. Wandered round Dorothy Perkins wondering whether this hair cut would be too high maintainence to manage atm with my financial situation being what it is. I’m still a little bit worried about this, whether Supercuts or another of the cheap places will be able to keep it looking as nice as it does. Anway, bought bleach and toner and then stood outside Waitrose for ten minutes, deliberating over nothing really. It was nice to just stand and watch the light fade out of the day, although I realised I wouldn’t be running, or using the return bus ticket I had bought. I have got to stop using taxis, and I have got to stop spending money in Costa. At the moment I’m flat broke, because of this hair cut, and also the fact that Christmas shopping is ahead of me, although I have said to mum that presents might need to be a bit more on the frugal side this year as I can’t afford to go crazy. I just need to be really, really frugal generally with my spending over the next couple of months.

I’ve got the flat feeling again right now. Today has just been blaaagh. Blaaagh, blaagh, blaagh. I bought wine, because I feel like I need something to knock me out of it and seeing as I haven’t drank since last Sat I don’t think this is a big deal, in fact I know it’s not. I realised, as I was standing outside Waitrose watching people dart about, that I am slowly leaving behind the ridiculous “you need to be pure of mind and body” line of thinking which still makes me want to be sick into my own mouth a little bit, that fact that I let it get under my skin so badly makes me want to wretch. It’s difficult because, obviously when you want to lose weight, there are sensible lines to this line of thinking, but only lines and I need to be more aware of when I’m worrying about something for just reasons, and when it’s not for just reasons. Drinking a bottle of wine a week is fine, absolutely fine, and there is nothing more to say on the matter. Though that flatness of the space in my flat right now is slightly mesmorising. I feel as though I could just sit and stare, sit and let that space hold me, although I know this isn’t particularly healthy. I’m adjusting at the moment, I’m adjusting for falling into the hole which see’s me directing all my rage and sad into one direction, and the reason I’m adjusting from that is because I know it’s a false mindset- directing it all into one direction isn’t true. It’s a misrepresentation. So I’m adjusting from quite a long period of loosely directed rage and sad. I imagine that it’s all kind of broiling around in me, slowly finding ways it can sit which allow the whole system to keep light and moving. I think the flatness is representative of the fact that I’m getting used to functionning with a different driving force.

It’s very strange though. Its not bad it’s just flat. Perhaps representing how far I’d been pushed. Now I’m learning to stay up, re-remember that I can hold myself up easily and without effort all the time. Next thing is just to follow the looser line, the line which leads me from activity to acticity, focus to focus.

Anyway. Enough for now.

Peace.