30/09/2021

So I’m in Costa. It took quite a lot for me to leave the flat today, but by the time I got out I was feeling better. I’ve told G that I no longer wish to keep corrosponding. She’s not good for my mental health, and she’s massively manipulative. I’ve been letting my sense that the whole issue is my fault because I was the one who opened up to her, and so I keep blaming myself. But despite the fact that I didn’t act well, it doesn’t mean I”m obligated to talk to her. She’s too much like my parents, like someone I would have met in hospital. I’m 90% sure she’s massively intelligent and not simply insane. I mean, she’s definitely a bit mad, but she’s also lonely and arrogant, which isn’t a great combiation. And she’s acted weird towards me, I mean, when R and I went to visit her I woke up one morning with her face an inch from mine. She’d put her face right up to mine to wake me up. I mean, who does that?! The foolish part of me, feels as though I must always rise above the fact- that this is weird. Like I shouldn’t respond to it or make it clear that I”ve noticed. I’m not sure what that’s all about tbh, something from family. I can imagine my mum saying if you let her get something over on you, if you let it affect you then she’ll have got something over on you, and you don’t want her to know that she’s got one over on you and therefore it’s best just not to react. But that’s just stupid. Completely stupid. So I’ve broke off contact. She’s sent me a couple of manipulative messagges since, I can’t keep it up with her, the feelings are too negative now.

So anyway. Moving on from that. I’m in Costa. I got out of the flat. I haven’t written anything meaningful yet but I’ve signed up for a lecture on zoom tonight, which if I can get Zoom to work will be awesome. I really hope I can get it to work, because it really would be very interesting. It’s on Lillith, figure from Jewish, christian mythology who I think was demonised by early Jewish mythology, but has become something of a modern feminist icon. I don’t know very much about her, but from what I’ve heard and read she seems a very interesting subject. So hopefully that will work. I think I”m gonna try and do a little bit of writing now, just work on a poem perhaps.

Laters.