29/01/2021

Friday.

It’s funny how things change, issues change. At the moment i”m learning how to not over-catastophise things which happen. If I have had a few days where things haven’t gone how I would have wanted them to, I don’t over blow it or make a big deal, instead I focus above it and around it to the next day or the next time I can make positive changes.

I was thinking today about the idea that I’ve been scared of my emotions in the past. Interesting idea.

I can’t believe it’s 2021, I’m determined to make this year count, focus on the hope the excitement instead of the negatives.

Saturday.

Ok I’m having a fricking mare. I have no money and yet I’ve likely spent 60 pounds over the course of the last 3 days, it might even be more than that, on take out food and deliveroo. I’m trying to not spend money on things I don’t need, and I’m trying to spend money more wisely on food generally because up until the last 3 days I was likely getting take out like, twice  a week, which I cnnot afford. I was buying coffee from costa too often and I was going in Waitrose and spening money. I’m broke, I live by myself and I was thinking that I spent over 100 pounds a week on food. Like HOW am I doing that? I’m terrible. I’ve always considered myself to be basically ok with money, but the last 6 months have shown me that I’m literally terrible.

But then this month happened, I have spent a stupid amount of money on food, take out and I just ordered more from coop on delivero. I feel like this is some weird obsession that I have going on at the moment because I’m trying not to do so many things. Aargh the thing is is that I can rationalise it, I just feel like a fucking fool. I literally feel ike a fool, I”ve spent a ridiculous amount of money. From Monday I need to be strict. From Monday I need to be strict. I keep saying that and so far I’m failing, my mental health is shit and keeps coming up with these double meanings for why I shouldn’t be strict. Writing is helping. I know that I just have to do it, one day I just need to make the decision and keep it up, be strict, have discipline and willpower etc. And I think then a part of me beats myself up immeidately for not already having the discipline or having to even think about it or basically for not being perfect.

I need to make a decision. Start tomorrow or Monday. I think tomorrow, I’m sick of waiting around, lol.. I made a list of things I needed to do yesterday and then when I woke up this morning started on a negative. Tomorrow morning, I”m going to go with the sensible morning routine or option. Today I did kinda fail. Lol I should stop using the term fail though.

I got pissed off with the rents today. I saw mum and dad and felt like they were making comments that I apparently make no effort- which literally made me want to kill them both. Fcking nightmare.

Anway, kinda disjointed writing, but I thought it might help.