28/04/2020

So another grey day. I went out for a walk this afternoon, down waller lane and through the graveyard. It was after talking to my sister and I felt better for getting outside, getting the heart rate up a bit. I’d been thinking about going out before I spoke to her, but she galvanised me. It’s always the same, before you do a thing it seems impossible and then once you’re doing it you wonder how it could have ever seemed so, how you could have forgotton how good little things make you feel.

I’m watching Freud on Netflix at the moment. It’s historically ridiculous, but it entertaining to watch, mainly because the actor playing Freud is ridiculously hot, as is his counterpart, a Hungarian mystic, spiritualist. I got into my head in a strange way this evening, watching it. There were a couple of scenes which provoked strong reactions is me and I feel that I’m still working out a way to make things fit, although I think I’m starting to fully grasp that only through greater action in my life will they fit in a slight way. I guess nobody fits all together all of the time- it is through action and distraction that one thinks over that layer of things. I wonder if it’s always been this way, or whether the fast pace of modern life makes it more so. I also sometimes wonder if the greater ability to succeed, or the greater perception of the ability to succeed once again makes it more pronounced. I was thinking as I watched Freud, ever succeptible, that I could go back to uni and study psychology.. in some capacity. I’m not sure if it would help the introspection but it would be something that I could get into seriously. I’d love to learn about the history of psychoanalysis, and the different debates etc.

Later

“The mere sense of living is joy enough” – Emily Dickerson. I’ve fallen into a feeling of deep contentment. My thoughts always go deep when I’m like this but they are positive for now, I hope they will stay so. I had the urge to pray, I started to think about it feeling strange and not being sure who to pray to but then realised that these are immature, petty thoughts, just covering up an uncertainty which is completely natural- I don’t normally pray. I had this thought whilst I was washing up and then my thoughts wandered on to something else which is also a nice observation. Then a little while later, whilst I was reading, a concept which I was reading about grasped me, in the sense that it is something which I’ve been thinking about, in a different strain recently. It is a Muslim concept, of Tawhid, which means (loosely) the oneness and unity of God, but also the process of making One, of unifying. I was thinking about it in terms of what I was writing about yesterday, or a kind of spiritual journey, but then that led me to start wondering about the inherent differences between monotheism and polytheism again. It’s interesting to consider how they differ, because I believe this sense of one-ness is possible in a person, and I can understand how it is possible to conceive of a God as One, however in terms of humanity and the individual who is struggling, working to better themselves and enrich themselves spiritually and generally, it seems to be as though true one-ness is something which can be achieved in moments, but it difficult to hold onto at all moments, perhaps even that in trying to hold onto it in all moments, or striving towards it always, one is missing out on other truths, perhaps greater personal truths. Something which I read when I was reading up on differences between angels and fallen angels was the idea that Lucifer was (according to tradition, and I;m sorry I’m not sure where I read it), thrown out of heaven because he asserted that he was self made, rather than made by God. I don’t know enough about this, and I haven’t done enough research to be able to write about it catogorially, but it seemed to sum up a lot of the conflict which I’ve been dealing with. For I believe that I would have to assert that surely there is a third way- to acknowledge both internal and external forces in a persons creation. I guess for myself, living with the condition I have, and the amount of work I have put into hold onto peace of mind, for at least a portion of each day(!!), I feel that I can identify with the notion of having created myself, for better or for worse- and I think that’s the key thing. I have up and down days, etc, but I accept that I have been responsible for those, although there have been many moments when the untruths have won over me and I have raged in ways which I’m not proud of.

This has become deep, and I think is the line I go down whenever I start to go negative- I think that those untruths gain strength. I have noticed over the course of the last seven years or so- that I look at my life in the negative. Lol- the moment you start to overarchingly look at your life in the negative, everything can get a bit topsy turvy. It’s a diffcult thing to write about. When I let me fears and the anger, the violence get on top, I can start to look as though I don’t think I’ve had a good life, but this isn’t true. The untruths are the conclusions which come from anger, the truths are the conclusions which come from peace. Sometimes I even challenge that because I think that to try and remain peaceful when confronted with something which is serious, and important, is – I don’t know what the write word is.

I’m now starting to freak out now that this article’s gone too deep. It’s because I go to absolute- I try and break something down to one specific assertion or description. I guess I don’t think I’ve had a terrible life, I know I haven’t had a terrible life and I take enjoyment from life- but when the negativity comes to intense and too quick, at the moment when I’m often feeling like I lack a self of self determination, my emotional brain jumps very quickly to this reasoning. It will jump to the regrets I have in life to justify the feelings now. I’ve been in a slump for a while now, since the relapse although my emotional brain will sometimes jump for other reasons and this is what I’m working now on stopping.

This post got deep.. lol I think I need to stick with the polytheism for now, stop attempting these ridiculous forays into One ness.. but this is something I’ve been aware of in myself for a whle- in terms of thinking, not spritual experience.