27/02/2021

I’ve written a couple of posts recently and then deleted them. I feel as though I’m coming out of a deep dark hole- the last two months were like the very bottom of that, though the six months previous were pretty bad. Now I feel as though I’ve started the ascent, back out of that hole but a part of me is scared to take that final leap and actually clear it all together. I keep trying to pick apart what it is which is actually keeping me in one place, but I realise not long afterwards that trying to pick it apart isn’t actually helpful.

I’m just sitting in front of netflix. I want to be writing, and I want to be exercising, and I want to be at least trying to stay active throughout the main part of the day. There’s tedtalks I want to be watching, podcasts I want to be listening to. I want to research and learn about certain subjects, find ways to put my spirituality and my beliefs into action. But instead I keep sitting down in front of netflix. I haven’t had a drink for two weeks though, and a part of me is wondering whether I’ll try and do it for longer. I feel so much healthier and better within myself, and so a part of me keeps saying just let yourself be.

It’s the schizophrenia that comes in and makes me freak out on a level which floors me. It keeps saying –

Phone rang. My good friend Candy, who talked to me what I wanted to hear right then. So I came off here and went out for a walk, and feel bloody brilliant for it.

I’ll write more.