26/10/2021

Having a bit of a crappy morning. I’ve woken up feeling off, although no more off than I have felt for the last little while tbh. My mind is spinnning out about things which are crazy though, things which I know aren’t things I want or truly need to be freaking out about. For example, up until about, probably a week ago, perhaps a few days ago, I was waking up and feeling as though I was falling back into almost waking dreams for a while. Now you see as I’m writing this I’m immediately freaking out that writing about it is wrong somehow, that I shouldn’t be writing about this. But I’ve always used journals to write through the things which are worrying me etc, writing things through is known to be a good method. There’s something different that’s come into my head now. I’m going through a really bad time of it with G- that isn’t the best way of writing it, I know that. She has messed with my head absolutely spectacualrly. Apsolutely. I’d cut off contact with her, because after going and seeing her, and the tic symptoms which I associated with her were so very, very very bad, that I just cut off contact, I couldn’t deal with it. Then she messaged me back perhaps a year ago and I thought, you know what, she’s clearly not so bad, I know that my symptoms take on a life of their own so to speak, and that it’s a symptom set representing something else. However this is where I simply get muddled in my thinking though, because I start to think, she’ll likely be good for me, I started thinking of her in terms of the schizophrenia. It’s like the symptoms which I deem to be good had manifested for me a good witch, a spirit guide, a spiritual mother- all of the things which I have manifested and thought to be real when I’ve been unwell. I don’t know for certain, whether or not she is extremely intelligent, or slightly crazy- I suspect a bit of both. But she emails me these long rambling emails which I want to dearly to be able to respond to meaningfully. But I struggle to because she’s silly intelligent, and referecnes names from the 3rd century AD alongside economic theory etc, and everything that she writes overwhelms me. Now the typical part of me always chimes in and thinks, this is a challenge, this is a challenge and you must meet it, you want to meet it. But is is sensible to meet it? Am I not indulging that part of me which wants everything to be part of some quest, is it not cherry picking if I decide not to respond to this challenege? Moreover I don’t like all of her theories and ideas, but then I think this is again life teaching me that you may not agree with the opinions of the people you know, you don’t have to agree with people you know’s opinions all the time. BLAH basically I feel as though her presense is some massive cosmic challenge.

The thing I need to work out is do I need to meet this challenege. Is the real challenge to realise that she likely needs me in her life and to simply be kind- I feel as though this is the case but that is an instance of me playing the maytr- i.e. I feel obligated to message her back, like I SHOULD DO IT, and the best and most romantic way of justifying that, and having a go at myself in the meantime is to state that I’ve become too hard, I’ve become too unforgiving etc, and that I should carry on talking to her because it shows me thinking of someone else. But don’t I spend A LOT OF TIME thinking about other people, not in the right way though, the voice immediately chimes in. Anyway to bring it up to date, and this is where I come back to sanity, this is where i come back to the clear light of reason. She’s not good for my head. The angry message she sent to me after waiting a YEAR, indicated I was suffering in a hell of my own creation, and that she would “quietly close the door in my head behind her when she left.” These are quie possibly the most malicious, harmful and distressing lines one could ever write to a schizophrenic, thus why I have started this rant with the note that she messed with my head head most spectactularly. Now, of course, I’m thinking, why would you ever write back to her. What I have to do now is get over the outrage I have, the shame that I have, that I let someone mess with me that ferociously, that I let someone get into my head in that way.

Orcourse I then start thinking, well perhaps I messed with her in the same way. Then I get angry. I went to sleep really fcked up last night, about the whole thing. I keep reaching resolution and then spiralling again.

ANYWAY. I woke up feeling off, but in the same way as i have done the last little while, but did start thinking about tihngs in a slightly different way which is posiitve. How to move forwards. How to move forwards now. I woke up feeling as though I’d missed something, quite a nice state which I woke up in, prior to about a week ago, where I woke up early, and could have got up, I started waking up early, which was what I have been wanting to do. I could have got up, but that final, highest layer of sleep befuddlement. So now, after all that I’ve written about earluer, I’ve started feeling as though I’ve missed something. A crazy part of me wonders whether some force was helping, GOd I wish I could have the courage of my convictions. But anyway some force was helping and I missed the cue, I was meant to start getting up, a week or so agao, and now it;s like that dream state has left me. But THIS IS GOOD REALLY, The dream state was giving me a reason to stay in bed. Now it’s gone, I’m lying in bed wanting to get up, but for that moment that not wanting to get up part is stronger. I will go to bed tonight thinking about this, thinking that it feels as though I’m going through some kind of process, and remember how much I actually WANT to get out of bed. Now I come onto the next thing, and the reason why I drank 3 pints last night instead of 1 or 2. It’s like the idea of only having 1 pint, or GETTING UP AT 8am, indicates to me some massive shift, some massive change, which is because it WILL. But the tihng that I need to wrap my head around, is that it doesn’t need to feel like this HUGE, scary thing, it doesn’t need to feel so ridiculously monumental. Last night I finished the 1 pint I was planning on having, and I just couldn’t leave it there, I couldn;t face what it might mean. I feel better now, from when I first woke up. What I’d started to think about was that I’d said to girl next door that we could have a drink on Thursday night. In my immediate wake up sense, I was feeling overwhelmed by that, bad for drinking, physically not great, and I was feeling trapped by the idea of drinking wine on Thurs night. Then I thought- dude, you don’t HAVE to go and knock for her Thurs night. Just because you mentionned it as something you could maybe do, doesn’t mean you hAVE to go and knock for her. YOu didn’t set the date in stone, you bearly confirmed it. Of course a part of me wants to keep the date, because I like the idea of getting to know her a bit and also put in the work at filling up my life a little bit. As I’m writing, and feeling a little bit better, or do i actually feel better. I feel as though my programming has kicked in, I was thinking about things, actually considering, and then my progrmaming, which is ‘do not show weakness, do you dwell on weakness,’ comes in. I’m not sure if this is from M or D, I think D but I could be wrong. But it’s this tendency I have to move (actually I think it’s M,), this tendecny I have to sweep past things, sweep past and on and over. Ok my thinking has gotton stupid again, I basically feel better than I did when I woke up, but I think I need to sit with the ‘not feeling great,’ I think I need to think these things through a little bit.

I started thinking this morning, when I was in a kind of all or nithing frame, everything is a blessing and a curse- meaning this meeting the girl next door for drinks.. my minds jumped again. I think this is the thing, I start to feel good before I am actually good- it’s such a flimsy sense of positivity. My mental health is fucking shit, I just jumped to crazy, full crazy. I’m weak at the moment, pretty weak and I need to, ergh, ergh, factor that into my thinking. It’s like the choice is- ok NO. This is something I’ve been aware of for a really long time. The way I tend to fly away the moment I feel positive again after a bad time. It SEEMS like it means that I never really process things. I perhaps should have stopped writing already, I try and figure everything out in one go. I was going to say I don’t feel equal to the challeneges which face me.

This is important, and is where I need to start. I think it was one of the sections in the referral forms I used to fill out when I was working at TR. “Do you feel equal to the challenges which face you? Do you feel able to meet the challenges you have?” This is where i need to start.

And forgiving oneself. I need to forgive myself for fucking up on the potential I had at age 16. I need to forgive myself for fucking up Oxford, all the possibilities which were before me back then. I need to forgive mysself. I think I”ve been watching all these netflix series about young people, at uni etc, Community lols- i just saw what my mind did. I’m so guilty about Oxford, that I jump back into the whole G connundrum. I feel like I con’t reconcile the Oxford problem, and so I jump back into another connundrum which is as complex of my own making. NOT MY FAULT THOUGH< SHE ACTED TERRIBLY.

OK, I might need to leave it there. Almost. A part of me feels as though I don’t deserve to get past the Oxford thing. Like I fcked up so badly, I don’t deserve to get over it. That links to Almafi and what happened there. Must try and stop that happening, issues flowing into issues.

I do deserve to get over Oxford, to forgove myself and start to try and conceptualise a new framework for myself, one which isn’t perfect, or revolve around that or MASSIVE things. I can do that.