26/10/2020

I still feel flat. Perhaps less thin than last week. As I sit here I’m aware of this space, external mainly, as if the quiet of my flat takes on its own quality although it’s not negative.

AArgh I just wrote like a paragraph, and then it deleted itself. Annoying.

Now I have to decide whether or not to try and rewrite or whether to write something different. Lol, first world problems- dear GOD.

I’ll rewrite, to an extent.

I didn’t get out of bed this morning. My psychologists words come into my head- don’t beat yourself up, you can only do what you can do and at the moment, it seems like getting up early is just beyond me. We talked last week about imagining a compassionate voice, and so I tried to do that today. I imagined a compassionate voice who would tell me it was ok I didn’t get up when I wanted to- that it didn’t mean anything, I’m not a failure etc etc. I’m watching a series on Netflix atm, and one of the characters was listening to a podcast or something, and the voice was saying, it’s so important to know yourself, but what is more important is how you talk to yourself. So this ties into all the self-help and self-worth work I’m trying to do. And I think I’ve had some success because I have felt calmer today. Like I felt bad for a bit but then I cycled over to the shop to get bits I needed, and since then I’ve been focusing on allowing myself this space, this time. To accept that just at the moment I’m sensitive, I’m low energy. I’m weak but only in the sense that I’m still recovering. Really, truely, I’m stronger than can be imagined but I still need time to figure some things out.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow as I@m heading over to B&Q with mum to pick up some lampshades, and she’s picking me up at 9.30am so I’m going to set my alarm and get up tomorrow morning. It’s going to be good.

I’m just distracted by the space this evening. This flat sensation doesn’t feel bad it just feels notivable. I said to myself, earlier today, that I part of me was still really anygry, and that I needed to give that angry part of me the time to calm down, the time to burn and burn down into embers. I think that’s what’s happening this evening.

That’s all I got for now.