24/03/2020

Hey, so the last few days have flown past, although my achievements have been few. I haven’t spent any money, which is a good thing seeing as I don’t have any of it. My overdraft has saved me over the course of the last few months, and I think it’ll probably take the rest of the year before I’m actually in a situation where I can justify spending anything other than on food or electric. Stood waiting to go into tescos today for half an hour, luckily it was beautiful sunshine so wasn’t too depressing. And now the PM’s gone down with it.. if someone in the torie party could just contract the virus and then throw a nice little private, members only soire, that would be an upside. I’m sorry if that’s cruel but it would make me smile. I don’t really feel like it’s affected me too much to be honest, I have friends who have kids and jobs and so are really struggling at the moment so I sympathise with them. I’m just living, pretty much the same life I was before tbh. How sad.

Mental health’s been ok last couple of days, I still have to work to stay on top of the symptoms, but it’s not been too terrible. I finished a short story on the theme of forgiveness or retribution yesterday (I guess that is an achievement), and asked a couple of people to read it. Got good feedback, so am going to send it in to a competition this weekend. I’m still not getting on top of this “routine” thing I wanted to- two nights ago I fell into bed at 5am, and woke up the next day at 2pm.. I sometimes feel as though the more I want something the harder it becomes to achieve, but this is just me being negative.

The symptoms are still strange at times. I have hours where I’m constantly trying not to give into the urge to simply scream WTF to an empty flat, but I keep telling myself I can’t be aware and understanding of every mental process.. I spend too much time introspectively trying to work out if this thought process or that thought process is acceptable or helpful, it would all be acceptable and helpful if I’d just shut up and let it tick away. It’s just at times too much which is strange piles on in one moment and I have to close my eyes and take a breath. The mind is a wonderfully strange thing, a wonderfully powerful and mysterious thing and I need to just leave it at that.

I’m still struggling to find a way to express faith. I think this would be good for me as well, I’m just so unmotivated at the moment to do anything, I don’t have a clue where to start. My friend N talks about how much the church gives her spiritual support, but I’m too cynical and critical to accept a lot of christianity. I know it sounds terrible, but I’d consider it a bit of a step back. I instinctively believe in Jesus, and the horrendous suffering he endured to hold onto his “out there” beliefs in a tyranical society, but the rest of it, I’m not so sure about. I only believe in the concept of heaven and hell when I’m having a particually bad moment with the symptoms and then start freaking out I’m going to be persecuted for the rest of time, after death, because of the experiences I’ve had, the rage and fury I’ve vocalised. I think people only start taking the ideas of heaven and hell seriously when they get scared, and so converting to christianity out of fear seems to me to be the opposite of what faith should be about.

When I was unwell I was obsessed with the christian pantheon “panthology” is what I called them at the time. I was convinced, and really I still am because I believe in a sense that they’re all aspects of our humanity, that I was surrounded by Yahweh, Lucifer, Bezelbub, a Cheribin and later a Serophin, and then at other times various Hindu spirits, who I was convinced were trying to hold my flat and me in it safely. At other times there were African spirits and Gods and Goddesses, who I didn’t know by name, and at other times Allah. It’s strange because the first time around I experienced schizophrenia, it was a largely spiritual experience, the Gods themselves were really involved. This time around it turned into a full blown religious experience. I can’t put into words the certainty I felt at the time that this was what was happening, and now I still hold onto that certainty, though perhaps certainty is the wrong word- because it’s not happening now. Faith- lol, it’s simple faith. I believe that all of these Gods, Goddesses and Forces exist, though as I’m writing this I’m analysing as I go. Perhaps some of them are spirits connected to humanity, and others  to the external, natural world, because one of the things I struggle with the most is the division between montheism and polytheism. I was christianed when I was young, and whilst my family weren’t religious I did grow up learning the bible stories and studied english lit at uni so have a kind of, predisposition to identifying myself with christianty, even though I adamently also reject it. No sex before marrige, homosexuality is a sin??- These things are obviously completely wrong and immoral as concepts (IMO), and so I can’t get on board with it, and am quite derisive often to the idea of happy-clappy christians, although I know this is judgemental and reflecting more about me perhaps. Some christians can be very happy clappy.

But on the other hand, the story of Jesus, and the idea of suffering greatly for holding a self-belief which is slightly out of the ordinary, I can relate to that. I realise this all sounds slightly coo-coo, and it has definitely been for me an off-shoot of the schizophrenia, but I can relate to the idea of Jesus, and love him, despite the fact that I’m do not identify as a christian. Moreover the experiences I had this time around really brought home for me the mystical nature of life and humanity, consciousness and self. I’m not sure about the whole, dying for mankinds sins, but I can understand this concept.. dying for something greater, for something bigger. Perhaps you will have had to have had a serious MH diagnosis to be able to relate.

A big part of this relapse was me, trying to work out which, if any, of the main faith systems I relate to more. I think that, as I said, the fact that I’m hard-wired a little to identify with the Christian Gods and concepts, doesn’t neccesarily mean that I actually do. The idea of Polytheism seems to make more sense to me, in the fact that each God and Goddess represents an apspect of ourselves, although this is kind of the same with the Christian Pantheon. I believe they are all aspects of our sexuality, which is then linked to our divine spark, the thing which makes as emotional and creative- the things which make us more than simply flesh and blood, animalistic urges, though those things are a part of it as well. Our urges are our drives, and these things are also linked.. I read something this week, this brilliant book by Reza Aslan, and I think it was in that, nope actually it was a lecture on philospophy- in one of the Greek classics there was a phrase which put violence against justice.

I thought this was really interesting- because I believe most things hold the sublime, or even the divine- even in our most animalistic urges. Alcohol, sex- pushing things to the extreme is a massive part of who we are as humans- but it is on the chaotic side- the side that, realistically, I have known most of my life. I wonder in this moment that if I am touched, as the “voices” were suggesting during the relapse, and certain pysiological aspects of this condition suggest, that it is only out of pity- that I strayed so far from the balanced, just path, so long ago, but I have worked so hard to return to it, that I have some grace on my side. This makes me feel as though I need to earn it. However I know that following this pathway simply causes me to put stress on myself- I am still working towards finding the right amount of stress, the right amount of pressure, that keeps me moving forwards rather than simply pushing me, accelerating me into a tailspin.

I was just thinking about going to buy a bottle of wine, but now I’m not so sure. I do overthink.. it’s ridiculous because I realise that anyone reading this will either likely think me mad, or some kind of egomaniac.. which both I understand. But I do need to re-state, anyone whose experienced the intensity of the schizophrenic experience knows how hard it is to leave behind. Moreover I do firmly believe that everyone is touched, everyone has the potential to be touched, and to have experiences which make them feel so connected etc.. it’s just because it’s not accepted or normal, we get hardwired at a very young age, in such a way which makes it harder to happen.

I have digressed and digressed. How to express faith, that is I think the point I started with. Who or what to express it to? I feel like the character in Life of Pi who worships at a Church, a Synagoge and a Mosque. Sometimes I feel as though I need to start somewhere, as if my spiritual jounrey is very much in it’s infancy and so perhaps I need to start somewhere and then progress. The first time I was fixated upon Buddhism.. without knowing anything about it. Something tells me that this is likely where I will end up- though a more humane part of me thinks Hinduism. Reality is so strange, the inter-play of consciousness, with the world.. with the spiritual aspects of the world and then the entirely non- spiritual. Last night I fought the urge to fall from a positive thought process into the desire to buy new make-up. It’s easy at times to fall into this impatience, I crave a feeling and I can achieve it by loosing weight, painting my face- this feeling of meaning, significance one can achieve by being attractive. Toni Morrison said that the most dangerous concept in the human language was beauty.. bleeeugh.

Anyway. I think I need to read up more, learn more about Hinduism, this is what’s calling me I think, I think this is the in between step between Christianty and Buddhism. Although likely the most authentic portion of me, is calling out now- a pagan! that’s how you used to self-identify- with the divinity and significance in nature around us. Perhaps I’m trying to tie myself in too far, make myself fit in a conventional sense.. Paganism is where my heart lies- the rest of them are really only man made systems, to put structure to something we don’t completely understand. I’m drawn to them because I want to weigh into what I perceive as a conflict in my mind, or on the other hand is it when we accept that conflict in ourselves and channel it constructively.. that is perhaps where the balance can be found.

Or, perhaps it is completely impossible to make order and chaos balance? I don’t believe this to be true, I believe humans are made up equally of order and chaos- at our core.. Is not the ID the chaos, and then our other systems the order? I have too many questions- and I feel as though I’m reluctant to find answers.. i’m uncertain about how I may become more fixed.

Aargh anyway, I very long rambling entry.