23/05/2020

Ok, so I just spoke to my sister and have woken up a bit- but still the idea of actually sitting down in front of the laptop and writing in a focused way for a long period of time is scary. Or not scary but not appealing. I think that for that reason exactly I’ve definitely got to do it now. I think I can snap out of any funk and get back to what it is that I want to be doing, but I acknowledge it may get harder the longer I leave it. I started a blog post yesterday, the first one I’ve written in a couple of months, so that was positive but I really only penned it in about ten minutes and then left it. So whilst it was a positive it wasn’t a massive one. Or maybe it was, lol, maybe I need to keep stating that things are massive achievements rather than cutting myself down. I definitely need to start doing this.

I’m going to tidy the flat, sort out my kitchen, do the washing up and then have a shower and start writing. I’m currently debating whether or not to submit a short story to a competition. The cost is 25$, and I’m desperately trying to not spend money at the moment, on anything other than essentials such as food and electric. I’m absolutely skint so the idea of spending this money is not appealing to me. On the other hand, the fact that you have to pay to send in submissions may mean that less people send their stories in and therefore there might be a greater chance of winning. The story I’ve written is fairly out there, and for some reason this competition appeals to me- it’s flash fiction rather than simply a short story competition. I likely need to do a lot more research into the actual definition of flash fiction, but it feels punchier to me; I feel as though the story I’ve written might be right for it.

I think I might just send it. I’m not sure of the exchange rate but I think 25$ is about the same as £25, so it’s not a ridiculous amount of money. I do feel like going back to the novel though as well. I want to write a couple of new chapters for one of my main characters, and whilst I think the uncertainty I’m feeling as to whether or not it should be a trilogy or a single book is holding me up a little bit, I don’t want that to completely prevent me from carrying on. I just need to keep working on it and these things will become clear in time.

I spoke to my friend N yesterday, and she made a comment about the next time I come to see her or something like that. She’d previously said that she didn’t feel well enough to have someone come round for an extended period of time, and so I was really excited she said what she said. I didn’t say anything though which I’m kinda kicking myself about now though, because I really want to go and see her! I might leave it just for the moment though, because my no sugar rule has been going quite well and I think that if I go and see her the urge to eat waffles and drink red wine and simply eat eat eat will take over. So I suppose as dumb as it seems on one level this is a good reason to wait a little while before suggesting a go to hers.

I might be moving, which is a very exciting possibility. I have to wait until next Friday, to hear back from someone at the council but I spoke to my support worker who had spoken to this person at the council and he believes I’ll be offered it. It wasn’t 100% but I’m going to work on the assumption that I will be offered it and that she will call on Friday to ask me to come view it at some point either that weekend or early the next week. I’m really excited to view it!! And I’m so excited that it has a garden! I think it will be smaller than where I am now but with the garden, for the summer months this won’t be so much of as issue because I’ll be able to sit outside. Moreover it allows pets which means that I won’t have in the back of my mind- there’s going to be an issue with Vienna. I suppose the problem I have is that most council properties don’t allow pets and I know they’re fairly strict on that and will enforce it. So even if I found another flat which was slightly nicer or larger it likely wouldn’t allow pets and therefore wouldn’t be an option- I’m not getting rid of my little one now, I’d feel terrible about that and I’d miss her loads. So I think that I will likely accept it. I pulled up a picture of one of the other flats on that road, and it did only show the lounge but it wasn’t tiny, smaller than where I am now but not tiny, so this will be fine.

So! I will likely be moving in the next two weeks which is fricking awesome!! With my little Vienna which is even more awesome!! I found out yesterday that they are awarding me PIP, which means that my money situation will be ok over the next six months or so and I should be able to save up a little bit of money again. This is all very positive. It’s funny, as much as this covid 19 situation has been sucky it’s actually been good for me in some ways. It’s forced me to not spend money, and it’s kinda got me into a frame of mind which makes me feel really good about not spending money. Because I’ve been so inwardly focused I’ve been able to really appreciate the fact that month after month I’m coming further and further away from the limit of my overdraft and actually managing to a) reduce the amount of money I’m spending on food and then b) actually notice that difference in my balance at the end of the month. I’m kinda taking control of various aspects of my life which up until then I’d let flap and fly out of my control a little bit. I’m blessed by this PIP decision because I know that N isn’t getting as much money as I am, and I did somehow eat through my savings over the course of the last two years although I still don’t really have any idea how I managed to spend the amount I spent. I wasn’t spending mindfully and I wasn’t exercising restraint or responsibility with my spending. I wasn’t looking forward and really considering where the money was going and whether or not is was a just price to pay. I think that now, going forwards I will be much more mindful, and really work to save rather than spend. Less trips to the clothes shops, and random spending, at least for another year I think. And this is positive, likely at the end of this year I’m going to really start thinking about part time work.. Im not sure when exactly.

I do need to make sure I’m in the right mental place to do this, and not rush in because I think it’s the right thing to do- in fact this is one of the lessons which has definitely come out of the last year, a lesson I’ve learnt from my relapse. So that is positive.

Anyway, might write later but now I need to sort out the flat and shower, and then finish off my short story and get it sent in..

Have a great day!