23/04/2019

So my charity shop volunteering gig was shut this morning when I went down; so was Dorothy Perkins so I couldn’t even do a wander around the shops before coming back up. I got a coffee and a danish and sat and chatted to my friend N for a little while. She’s not good, and whilst I do sympathise it still really annoys me that she tells me, “oh I’ve had symptoms like you wouldn’t believe, I can’t tell you how bad they are.” She tells me every single time, as if she’s never described them to me before; as if I don’t have very similar symptoms. I hate how irritated I get with her, because I know she’s going through hell, but it just jars me. I wonder whether, were she to start to accept the idea that she’s not the only person going through it, and start to try and put that realisation into the way she talks to me, it would be like conceding something. I think she’s holding on by the idea that she’s different, I don’t think she’s capable of this self reflection or insight- it would take her to places she just can’t go. I do respect that, and I understand the notion of just not being able to.

I’m feeling ok, last couple of days have been good. This Covona virus scare has kinda made me feel more connected to the people around me if I’m honest! Everyone’s freaking out a little bit, and everyone’s taking small day to day things a little more seriously. I feel as though I’m not the only one sitting in my flat, on my own, trying to hold off the demons. Although I’m still going up and down a bit.

After seeing M I kinda let go of 90% of that whole stress set. Didn’t message him for about five days and then did yetserday. I feel a lot better about whole situation, it occured to me that I want to see him again I just struggle with the concept of fucking, because really the only note-worthy sex I’ve had has been in long term relationships, or with a guy I had really strong feelings for and felt very comfortable with. I think I struggle to let go of the idea of the sex meaning something- I’ll never lose my belief that sex is massively spiritual, etc, and that it’s important- but right now I want to be fucked, and I want physicality and to cum. Last time with M it felt slightly mechanical- I think he picked up on the fact that I was nervous and so went very controlling, which was good in moments but I couldn’t relax entirely with him, my whole backstory of messed up experiences jumped in and affected me.

I’d like to get to the point where I was relaxed enough with him that I could cum, though I wonder whether the orgasms I had with R and the enjoyment I had from S with be met again with him, I’m not sure that the chemistry’s right, though I think it could be.

Laters 🙂