21/05/2020

I want to write something magnificent. I want to write something which can convey the intensity and the magnitude of the experiences one has with schizophrenia. I still use that word for my condition, and I plan to write a blog post about the ways that mental illness has been redefined and the diagnosis’s over the last ten/fifteen years have changed because I’m not entirely sure how I feel about them and I don’t think I approve.

I want to write something which can change the way mental illness is viewed. I’d like to do more research into different spiritualities and the different ways they define rapture and spiritual experience because I’ve read things over the years which have resonated with me so strongly, and have literally made me laugh out loud at the utter absurdity at the phrase ‘mental illness.’ It’s like, in the western world, we’ve moved so far away from spiritual and non material concepts, beliefs and versions of events that we cannot abide an idea which challenges the validity of that choice, that pathway of development. I would like to explore these ideas and so broaden my understanding and my own opinion and way of defining what has happened to me.

I put on a crucifix last night, not really as a christian thing but more just an expression of faith. This may be because I watched American Gods, and the fact that when it finished I had another sense that something was with me, something which was benevolent but not to be taken for granted necessarily. I think this has been at the heart of my misunderstanding over the last few months but I have finally accepted my own perception of the Gods. I do believe they are like the norse gods, they play with people. If you are touched that is a great honour but I don’t know how much the Gods perception of a person remains constant and unchanging from day to day. The other side of the coin is that the way the Gods perceive a person depends on how they perceive themselves which is why I’m still working in the way that I do. It’s all about self-perception really. I believe it’s about honesty and truth but I might be missing something. I was reading about Anansie, the Gharnan spider spirit/god, who is a trickster God. This is what I’m working on assimilating into myself at the moment- I trip myself up because I sometimes take things too seriously. If I could laugh at my own absurdity of believing negative things are happening, when it is sensible to do so, I wouldn’t fall down into the holes I sometimes do. But on the flip side of that I do believe in truth and so I refuse to lose that in me.

Deep post, need to get a cup of coffee, may write later.