20/10/2020

Sitting – striding – through the day, there are so many threads, threads which billow out into ribbons, lengths of soft material which are to be followed. I sit and feel these weave their way through my minds eye, as if they are waiting for the needle head of my cperspective to pick them up. I spoke to my psychologist and she has advised me to imagine someone, a figure who will be my compassionate voice. This exercise has brought me back to God but I think the reason for writing this statement is to work out how much I’m using this as a obstinant crutch. This compassionate figure, voice, was what the Gods, the forces found for me when I was midway through my relapse, when I’d felt so much horror and terror that I couldn’t remember, then, how to feel the sense of being looked after, and when I’d forgotton how to look after myself. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I do believe that there were angels there, at the time, who I, childishly refused to follow solely. There were angels and fallen angels and I couldn’t help but relate to the second group, but this is a result of me making too much of the personal political. And I think that this is where I need to be at this time. I make too much which is personal political and hence have been fighting some kind of war inside myself, less so for the last ten years, and perhaps more so in the last year. I believed it was the right thing to do, but I need now to connect with the truth on the other side which is that I do not need to keep holding myself to this standard and at this level. This is ridiculous. I believed beforehand that the schizophrenia was all about trying to show me my own worth, how important I was etc, without having me think that I needed to save the world to be worthy of believing this about myself. Tho a part of me instantly says- you should be an active memeber of extinction rebellion, you should be an active member of the Green party. And the truth it, I suppose that I won’t be able to hold myself in such high esteem before I’m doing these things because I believe in these issues are important.

It’s the allure of that idea, the allure which pulls me back and has always been the reason my shallow self has used to state I shouldn’t be there. I’m seeing too sides of a coin which sensible people would only see one. I need to work out how to continue to only see the one. I’m getting there- compassion work, compassionate therapy- this is what I’m talking to my therapist about at this time. I’m getting there, slowly but surely, I’m getting there.

This diary may get weirder in the meantime as I try and express some of the abstractions which appear.

Have a nice day 🙂