16/05/2020

So it’s turning into another inactive morning…

I got up at about half 9, which whilst not seeming particularly early is fairly good for me. I’ve been sleeping for about 12 hours a night, for the last five months or so, which has been really frustrating because I don’t want to me, but then addedly frustrating because a part of me keeps saying – if you need to sleep for that long at the moment then let yourself. I believe that we heal when we sleep, and I needed that. However it means that I end up getting up at some late hour and feeling as though I’ve wasted the whole day… Moreover I have this little psychotic voice which keeps saying you’re wasting time, you’re wasting time, this wasn’t the agreement, this wasn’t the bargin we struck. In other more self-promoting moments I tell myself the truth it almost the opposite. I need to become easy with my own company, my own mind, and rushing into action isn’t actually the way to do this. Another part of me thinks this second line is just a cop out, a way to justify my inactivity and laziness.

I keep telling myself that I need to first get into the routine of waking up and getting up early, because when I get up late I start on such a deficit of energy and motivation. However another part of me says I could get the work done and in even when getting up late- I can still write, and spend a good portion of the day writing, on the days that I don’t get up at a good time. So I am making excuses basically, justifying the fact that I’m not doing what I want to be doing.

I just spoke to my friend N. I really, really want to go and stay with her, but when I spoke to her some time back in Jan she told me that she didn’t feel up to having guests at that time, and whilst I completely understand that, I really miss her company and her house. I used to suffer symptoms with her and feel as though I wasn’t able to keep up interesting conversation or be up enough, but I know that she likely has exactly the same thoughts and insecurities. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with, but on a level it also does. She’s suffering though, it makes me so sad to think about how much she suffers because it’s so dam unfair. I was just thinking, after getting off the phone with her, that whilst I don’t believe in heaven and hell I HOPE that they exist, in some form and on some level for her. She is someone who deserves so much from this world and she’s able to appreciate so much less than she should be able to. It’s so unfair. I miss her house and spending time with her, going into Costa and wandering round the charity shops. I had a moment two weeks ago where I though I’d really pissed her off, and after speaking to her found out it wasn’t the case. But I don’t want to push the idea of me coming to stay with her if she’s really not ready, I don’t want to be the cause of discomfort for her. She said when I last spoke to her that I was always welcome there, and that really meant a lot to me because I think for a little while I thought maybe I enjoy her company but she really doesn’t enjoy mine. I know the way this illness can make things which should be easy really difficult, and so I know, as far as I can, how much hell she goes through.

Hopefully I can go and see her later in the year. I’ll mention it to her maybe in a couple of months, because I really think so see her again and spend time with her would make my heart sing.