15/04/2020

So as often happens, I have started on wordpress and then retreated to here when I don’t have the energy to construct a well written and thought through article. I have this enthusiasm, and drive which kinda peeters out a little bit by the time I actually start writing and realise that I don’t have a structure or a plan for my thoughts. I used to write on wordpress, likely every couple of weeks, long rambling, convoluted articles about various aspects of schizophrenia and my thoughts and theories surrounding various aspects of the symptoms and the condition as a whole. I haven’t written an article like that in a while, despite the fact that I want to. I let a remark touch me deeper than it should have done, and it was stupid because it was a comment which I had made, just unfortunately the company left me feeling more negative about it than I should have done.

I made the comment that my blog was a fairly self obessive affair, and then since then have been letting my own insecurities lead me away from penning more articles, because the idea of being self obsessive was unattractive for me. It’s my own flipping blog, I can write about what I want. I considered for a while changing it so that my friends and family didn’t read it, and then left a self empowering article on there about how it was my space and I shouldn’t be afraid to write about anything that I wanted to. I’ve gotton over the self-obsessive bit now tbh, I think that it’s more just an apsect of my general lack of motivation that I haven’t written anything on there for a while. I need to pick a subject and write the article, spend a couple of hours writing and then editing.

Three hours later: ok so I psyched myself up by writing this article and then went onto wordpress and wrote 800 words. It needs editing but it’s basically good, in the spirit of my wordpress account. There’s a lady who I got quite close to through wordpress- she’s older than I am and is a nutty eccentric, ridiculously intelligent but quite loopy herself, and she used to praise my articles in the most glowing language. I went and stayed with her, in the Netherlands, but had terrible symtoms all the time I was there, I was with my ex and we were in a very bad place. She came on very strong and I still can’t work out if she freaked me out or not. I woke up one morning with her kinda, standing over my bed, which was kinda weird. It’s a shame because she was literally great for my ego. I keep thinking about messaging her, but I’m not sure it’s the best idea. She was great for my ego but not great for my mental health, in the sense that I think she’s really crazier than I am. But the article I’ve written seems like the kind of thing she’d think had some good ideas.

Anyway, I’ll hopefully publish later.