13/09/2021

So I haven’t written for a long time. Issues have changed.

I’m currently in a period of transition. I woke up today quite well, in fact a lot better than I have done for a long time. I’ve said to a couple of people recently, it’s like I wake up in the morning but I don’t feel rested, like at all. I wake up and it feels like I’ve been hit by a ten tonne truck. This morning was the first morning in a long time that hasn’t happened. I wonder whether this is because I’ve mentionned it to a few people, but then again I realise this is hypothosising about things which are beyond me. I”m glad I woke up better this morning, I’m glad I felt better 🙂 I’m going in to my volunteering tomorrow, I went two days last week, which is what I want to be doing. It’s taken me a long time to get myself back to this routine. I start to think would I do the last two years differently if I had the chance to do them again, but the thing is that because of the pandemic, I don’t think it would have been very easiy to do much different. I mean, I might have been able to start volunteering with the allotment project earlier. I guess that yes, if I could do it again I would have done that, I would have approached the allotment project earlier and started going along there earlier. The last time I fell off the end of a trajectory I was with R, and the trajectory wasn’t as long. I mean, I wasn’t as far along the pathway. I think, I didn’t realise this at the time, but being with R may have been part of the reason I got back up and went out and found work with active Prospects, although, to be honest, I shouldn’t compare like this because the situations were completely different. Back then I didnt end up in hospital, the symptoms were nothing completely different. Completely different. I’ve been kinda beating myself up comparing how differently I reacted. I watched something the other night which had a line in it, which was something along the lines of, after adversity/tragedy, it doesn’t do well to dwell on it. I wonder though, there’s probably another side to that, there’s probably an argument which says it’s important to give yourself the time to process all the emotions. What I’m starting to do now, is stay on the side of things which doesn’t beat me down. Lol it sounds stupid but I’ve realised that I tend to oveerthink. I mean, I was always aware of this but it’s like I understood it in an immature sense, I think I”m starting to

I mean, my mind just spiralled off in that moment. I’ve been struggling with the faith question- do I actually believe in God. I believe it’s a representation of a part of me, it’s internal, I don’t believe there is a conscious presense- or do I? God these questions are bubbling away in me. There was a vocie, during the latest schiz experience, there was one voice which got me through. I believe that voice was the voice of lucifer. BUt perhaps Gods exist in as far as we believe in them, as far as we believe in something bigger than us. Do I believe there is another dimension, where these forces exist seperately of us, and self determining. For how can I have a deep and personal relationship with Lucifer, who I believe to be an embodiment of the urge to err, the urge to think outside the box, push the envelope, not follow the set pattern or rhythm and instead move outside of that. I believe that God, in the sense that religious types believe, God is the paradigym which fits in, which conforms. Lucifer is the force which questions, which doesn’t walk to the beat, so to speak. When I was having my two month episode, Lucifer’s voice, what I perceived to be Lucifers voice, kept telling me to get back up. It called me angel princess, somewhat ironically, and it kept telling me to get back up. It’s difficult because not much has ever meant more to me, and yet I cannot rely upon it.

Ok no more doubt. Another part of me feels as though this has all been a learning curve and that the end point is Buddhism.

I have spiralled off so far. I’ll leave it here I think. I don’t know how to reconcile all of this,

Yes I do. It’s all about self belief, self respect, courage, focus. I’m doing a 500 cal day, but I”m questionning whether this is the right way to go about losing weight now, the other way means fully engaging with the world and a part of me is still so scared of doing that. Scared Ill get something wrong. So in this article I’ve transferred all the questionning onto the God question, which whilst being something that is real, isn’t what I”m questionning right now.

I feel like I”ve been in a gap. Now I”m coming out of it and it’s exciting really. Fricking exciting.

I AM NOT GOING TO GET ANYTHING WRONG.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

I’ve just spent a looooong time licking my wounds. Healing. Rebuilding strength.

This is a mess of an article. I’m not going to do 500 cal days any more. They’re too representative of the past.  I AM GOING TO, instead, start eating well and exercisng daily. This is what is scary, this is what I need to be doing. Today will be the last day of this harking back to the past, today will be the last day of that. Tomorrow I will start anew, start afresh. I think I will try and do a month of no alcohol,  because this is the other question. The issue I haven’t exactly got on top of yet. I enjoy getting pissed, but would I enjoy the affects of not doing it for significant period of time more. Would I get more out of it. Would I lose anythign. No, I wouldn’t, but I’d need to find new ways of connecting with it. And I’d probably work out better ways of connecting with it as well. What I need to do is reconnect and then hold onto that intensity of life, I’m feeling it now, it’s always there, Listening to music and writing etc. My problem is that I’ve been using alcohol to provide my intensity, I’ve been using alcohol to provide the feeling. Over time it’ll come back moment to moment. It’s happening right now. Wowzas and rad man it’s all a bit magical. But this is the truth. This is why taking this time off of alcohol at the moment is good. I will get back to the point where I can see S without drinking stupid amounts, or I was get utterly shitfaced but I can handle the hangover. I will match that intensity in my real life.

I wonder if one of the other issues with R, was that I put weight back on just as he and I were getting together, and I didn’t have a chance to respond to that, persaonlly, emotionally etc, instead I kinda filtered that negativity into him and I. Just a thought, just a wondering.

Anyway this has been a mess of an article.