11/01/2021

So… good times, weird times but also good. I’ve been freaking out a little bit at the moment about the fact that I’m wanting to drink more than previously, or I”m thinking about alcohol more than I have done previously in the sense that before last year I”d pretty much drink when I wanted to, but this evened out generally on average to about once a week. I’d tend to drink a lot in that one go, as I’ve always been a bit of a binger, but I didn’t worry about it too much because, as said, I didn’t drink every day as I know a lot of people who do. I think that being with Ru was the start of thinking about myself a little bit differently, but then again it’s really all about who you know and who you spend time with. All of my friends, all my life, up until Ru, were drinkers. My family are all drinkers, not to the extent of having a problem, but they would have at least one glass of wine every evening, and could put away a lot on a Friday or Sarurday night with friends. They always handle it though, ie I”ve never seen them totally taken out with a hangover.

So for myself, I stopped drinking quite so much when Ru and I got together, which was I guess something of a blessing because I had about four years where I didn’t really drink that much at all. Last year was obviously a complete shit show and then after being hospitalised I didn’t drink for about four months. Obviously I was in hospital and then on coming out I didn’t drink anything for a good three months, first three months of last year. Then in the last months or so.. I dodn’t know. I mean it’s not terrible, I’m going to swiftly move on here because the gremlins are starting to stir. I have used alcohol my whole life, so it would be extremely impressive for me to be able to give it up, moreover I enjoy the escapism it provides and have something of a chip on my shoulder about the benefits of this. Also the doctor seemed to indicate that there was no problem with drinking a bottle of wine. I know I’m using other people as excuses, to an extent, but he’s a frigging doctor, it’s fine to take his advice as being sound.

So then, I had a weird thing the last few times I drank wine, where I simply didn’t feel too bad the next day and then I’ve had the same thing with vodka. I have had the most amazing morning, and I drank an average amount of vodka last night. I woke up feeling good! The spiritual part of me wonders if my prayers have been answered and I’ve been blessed, in the sense that I prayed for some way of coming through this. I’m trying to cut out sugar, alcohol and nicctine at the same time, because it’s the right thing to do but I will have to take some strange steps to achieve what I want to. I’m smoking the lowest level of the e-cig, than I ever have, and woke up this morning NOT CRAVING IT. This is LITERALLY one of the best things ever, and is so bloody awesome. It is literally incredible, and is the result of the fact that I’ve been decreasing my levels.

Anyway I’m going to end of this high note and go do some chores.