10/04/2021

Hey, I haven’t written for quite a while. I’ve had a good couple of weeks, somehow managed to actually quit smoking, which has just been the most amazing occurence ever. I went for a run, and noticed my lungs heaving more than I wanted them to be, and then did a couple of days volunteering where I couldn’t smoke it, and so then just kinda stopped. I realised that I’d done quite well in smoking the e-cig for so long, because it meant that I didn’t really ever have a massive, big hit of nicotine which if I’d been addicted to that might be harder to leave behind. For me I think it was less the nicotine and more the ‘having something to do with my hands,’ aspect. Because I was smoking it basically constantly throughout the day, I’d smoke it from straight away when I woke up (disgusting), through to before I went to sleep. I was really only starting to change that in the last few months, where I noticed that I was smoking it less, for instance when I was out and about. I’m so fricking proud of myself, though, because I really was quite despairing, a few months ago, and for quite a while, that I wouldn’t be able to kick it. I’ve done well.

I’ve also started exercising, which I think kind of ties into the quitting smoking as well. I saw my sister the other day and she said to me, “you said you would start doing it all once the sun came out, and you’ve done it!” It was really nice hearing her saying it.

So I guess I”m feeling quite pleased with myself at the moment. I’ve also got my drinking down to only once a week again, although a part of me is still wondering about whether or not I want to quit completely. A part of me would, but another not so much. There’s positive reasons and negative reasons on both sides, and as much as the obvious health benefit makes quitting seem like the best option, it is very extreme. I can still maintain a healthy lifestyle and have the odd drink or two. I guess my issue is that I always drink more than I would want to, although I”m getting better with that as well. I think if I have a drink once a week, or whenever I want, but work on drinking less, which I”m kinda already doing.. we shall see, I’m not 100% sure at the moment and I think the reason for that is because the issue has become supercharged, kinda representing all the other dilemmas and uncertainties in my life. Meh.. I think I should just be glad that I’ve come as far as I have done. A few months ago I was freaking out that I’d never be able to enjoy alcohol in a relaxed way again, although I realise now this was slightly overblown fear, I wasn’t that far gone.

Anway, I’ve done well, over the course of the last couple of weeks, and even before that where I was doing the ground work, thinking about where I wanted to be etc. And I feel good for it as well, I feel fresher, better and more alert.

I’ll just keep pushing forwards then…