09/03/2020

So it’s a new week.

My alarm went off at 7.30am but I didn’t get up until 8.30am which I was irritated with myself for this morning but now, with hindsite, doesn’t really seem like the biggest deal. I went down to do my volunteering from 9.30 to 11.30 which was ok. Feeling quite positive now.

I’m seeing this guy I’ve been chatting to on Wednesday, and he’s just told me he works in the adult film industry. I’ve been back and forth and back and forth about whether or not this is the most sensible hook up date to keep, but have decided to see it through because I don’t really feel like I have reasons I like enough not to. It’s a crazy one- he’s likely the most sexually experienced guy I’ve met, and in all honesty I’m a little bit intimidated. But on the other hand I really don’t want to back out of a hook up I want to partake in because the guys “too hot.” That seems cowardly.

It’s interesting though. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought in such terms as, I’m a 5 or a 6 and this guys clearly a 9- I’m punching above my weight here etc etc. But he has kinda started me thinking this way a little, or my knowing him has started me thinking in this way.. Which I kinda resisted to begin with, but now I’m kinda accepting as just truths. I do tend to over think things, but it feels to me as though knowing this guy has kinda forced me to confront my own insecurities and then decide whether or not I want to define myself by them.

Obviously everyone has insecurities, but I’m not going to start choosing to act in ways which reinforces the negativity. Wednesday may go well, it may not, either way it doesn’t really matter. This is a liberating way for me to think, and i’m looking forward to seeing him.

However he just messaged and asked if I wanted him to bring a friend. A part of me is so up for this, but I have that little voice in the back of my mind which says no this isn’t sensible. I know if I spoke to any of my friends about him they’d say it didn’t sound like a great idea, and I should perhaps think twice, think again before seeing him. This is why I haven’t told anybody, because I can’t be bothered to deal with peoples judgements and opinions. If I mentionned to anyone that I was considering having two men over to my flat, for sex, neither of them I’ve met before, I know they would tell me not to. I’m ignoring my friends imagined warnings about one guy, but I’m prepared to listen over two. Despite the fact that it seems pretty hot and I can imagine it could be a lot of fun.

It’s annoying because when I think it through rationally, there is no reason not to. I do trust this guy, despite the fact that I’ve never met him. Is this the first point people are going to tell me I’m being reckless? I don’t think he’d invite a man whom he didn’t trust- there would clearly be no problem with this. I think it’s something about there being two men.. and it being at my flat. It’s the sort of thing I’d be completely up for, if it was less planned. But then again this has been the whole issue with this one guy- we’ve been talking about having sex for so long, some aspects of it and things he’s said he wants to do seem to have been stretched out into massive issues which they don’t need to be. As said I do have a tendency to overthink, and so this time frame, along with everything else which has happened over the last 6 months, have meant I’ve had small moments of frustration where I’ve felt as though it’s all been overblown slightly.

So I am a little nervous, and it seems as though having another guy here is going to make that more. Another aspect of this is my own, sometimes slightly dumb practise of not backing down from a challenge. I doubt it was overtly intended as a challenge, but in the mindset I’m in at the moment it feels like one.. which is not on him it’s on me because this is likely something I should back down from. And I have, I said no.. but, lol, there’s just that little voice which says but.. it could be so much fun.