08/10/2012

So I’ve had a bit of a weird day. I used to get symptoms brought on by my mum- not just her, but it used to be her, my ex, bizarrely this one guy at work, and then with other people and places completely randomly. So it wasn’t just with her, but it used to be quite bad with her, so much so that I cut contact with her and my dad for a couple of years. The synptoms were too terrible at that stage, I couldn’t keep going through it, and it was difficult, but I did it then because it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t see through them. Now I don’t want to do that, and it’s not even that I’m at that stage any longer. I spent last night back at home with mum and dad and I was worried that it’d be bad, but it actually went really well. I thought beforehand that I might just end up drinking loads, which is often my way of coping with the synptoms when I”m with them. But I didn’t go straight in and ask for a glass of wine, I sat with them for a good couple of hours, before when dad offered me a glass I accepted then. Both he and mum were having a glass and I thought it was fine. I was fine, I had thought beforehand that a perfect outcome for this evening would be if I had one or two glasses of wine, and left it at that. I ended up having four, but they were small glasses, and considering previously, last week when I’ve drunk I”ve drunk at least a whole bottle, sometimes more, it seemed as though this was ok. And it was. I woke up this morning fine, had a few hours, first couple of hours beating myself up for not sticking to the one or two glass of wine. I read something recently which said that someone like the Dali Lama or someone on that level said that, once you can control what you eat and drink you can control anything in your life. Then, of course, the other voice comes in and says- but really, can any of us really control anything,ever? Is trying to control things just an illlusion? But anyway I’d read that and so am thinking at that moment that that is key- control what you eat and drink and perhaps you’ll feel as though you have a greater degree of control over other aspects of your life. Anyway, I had four small glasses of wine, probably not even half a bottle, or jst under half, and whilst the rational part of me knew this wasn’t the end of the world, I wasn’t hung over at all, I still beat myself up a little bit. I’ve been waking up late lately, and wanting to be able to get up earlier so when my alarm woke me up this morning at 8am, as we were going to see my nan, I felt good as I got up, and then, typically as it goes, that voice came in and said- well you;d be feeling even better if you hadn’t had that third and fourth glass of wine- you’re feeling ok, but you’d be feeling even better if you’d laid off them. I had this sense that I was meant to wake up and feel something, that I was meant to only drink one/two glasses. I also fell asleep with a spider hanging in the window which was freaking me out, taking me back to being in that room before when I was really unwell, and thinking about spiders and voodoo and other horrible things, and then I thought- it’s a test. You should get up and get rid of the spider to show/prove that you’re willing to deal with your own problems. I couldn’t though, I couldn’t get up and get rid of it. I’m scared of spiders and this one was quite big, and it was seriously freaking me out. Of course the other side to my head came in then and started saying, well the more mature thing to do would be to lay here and sleep and internalise the truth which is that the spider has no interest in you, and very, very likely will come no where near you. I decided to go with the second line of thinking because I was scared to try and get rid of hte spider, and on that level I should have tried to get rid of it, but then again why? Why must I always, always face my fears head on. In this instance I didn’t want to get up and start fannying about trying to remove it without freaking myself out more. I decided to just lie with it there, and embrace wisdom and maturity, let the spider live which is also massively important, I don’t really have any malice towards the spider it just freaks me out, but I didn’t want to kill it! So I let it be, and thinking about it now I think this was liekly the right thing to do. But I did lay there, last night, and think “I’m meant to be dealing with the spider,” “I’m meant to deal with my problems and get rid of ut.” These are very telling insights into how the voice comes in and affects me but anyway. So anyway when I woke up this morning, for a little while I was thinking, I didn’t get rid of the spider, and I drank more than I wanted to, I failed on two fronts. Unfortunately this was how I left the house feeling and whilst I wasn’t even hung over, and actually felt quite good, I had a good sleep, I didn’t feel 100%. But it meant that the time with mum was a little difficult. BUt there’s the thing I guess- it was a little bit difficult, it wasn’t horrendous like it has been. I managed to get through it. We were going to see nan in the respite centre, and that was a little depressing because she is down. She told me that she wished at times that she’d fall asleep and not wake up, which was obviously really upsetting to hear. I felt as though symptoms were making small rumblings whilst I was there, but realistically, looking at it, it was just a difficult situation. I told mum I thought she was trying to take on too much herself, and did feel a bit smal around her, which is what I often feel, but I sat int he car on the way back and rationalised my way through it. I’d woken up feeling off, seeing nan was off- it wasn’t really anything that she was doing, I just already felt off. I have this paranoia with her that she kind of emotionally swamps me- her emotions are that she’sworried about me, and she doesn’t want me to have to tic or any bad symptoms, and that she’d feel bad if I did etc etc, and she sorta feels all of that and means that I never get a chance to feel anything. She takes over. This, ON SOME LEVEL, may have some grain of trruth in it, but the other side of it is that my emotions are so complicated and easily knocked anyway- the minute I think I”m certain about anything I think the opposite, and perhaps this is a consequent of mum, OR DAD, being overbearing, all I can do it that hope over time it becomes better. I mean, I thought as I came in earlier. A few years back, I’d have been ranting and spitting, screaming and crying over all of this. That was a waste of energy, and an exspention of energy which was misdirected- not how I wanted to be conducting myself. So I determined to move past that, to find a way to deal with her which didn’t reduce me to that. I’ve learnt how to do that now, I’ve learnt a lot, gained a lot of wisdom and maturity. There are some really heartless people out there, mum isn’t one of them, not really, not at alll. So i need to gain some perspective, the schizophrenia had thrown me all off kilter. I wanted to get to a point where I was less off on my own little planet of persepctive. So now I’m able to deal with it, with her- I’m aiming to get to a point where it can wash over me, where perhaps I can think to myself, “oh god, mum’s being a nightmare again, but it’s not a big deal, she doesn’t mean to be affecting me this way, and it’ll be over soon so no real point in letting it get to me too much.” That’s where I”m going to get to. And I’m well on my way.

So it was a weird day, but ok in the end. Kind of. I mean, she does knock me. I always leave her wanting a drink, and that’s the thing which has the fact to knock me and leave me stressed. It’s like I build up a level of feeling good about what I’m doing, and I perceive that she knocks it down because she doesn’t perceive it. If I”m really honest about mum I feel that she respects money and power, and power can come from beauty, partnership. She respects my sister because she’s thin, beautiful, in a loving, amazing relationship, with a good job etc etc. I might be projecting, I might at some point understand that all this that I’m putting on mum is actually dad, and mum isn’t this way. This is where the voices mess with me, because I can never be sure if it’s mum or if it’s dad. My emotional brain screams out that it’s mum, but perhaps this is because it’s really dad, really me. Dad is a snob. He’s a fucking dckhead and as it was him who made that comment when we were on holiday about the caravan park being a scorge on humanity, it’s clearly dad who is the real dick, and also massively manipulatuve as I always end up thinking it;s mum. However I know I have that side to me, I fucking hate it, and it’s the worst side to me, but I do have it. But it’s tiny compared to dad, and mum tbh. But mum tries, I know she does. It makes me so angry because all of this has been playing out in my head for the last ten years. I can make it stop though. I don’t hear dads voice so much now- it’s really weird. I’ve just had to stare at myself in the mirror for two secs and tell myself- “A- you’re not a snob.” My problem is that I tend to think in extremes. I’m not a snob, but a crave a thin body. I’m not a snob nut I crave – It’s like there are two sides to people- the side which shows itself in freudian moments, and the side we choose to show to other people. Neither is false or completely true. I suppose that what I respect in people is when the side the person shows to people is ethical, decent- nobodies perfect tho.. wow my thoughts are moving too fast now to keep up with. I have to keep in mind- there are people out there like me. There are people out there who believe that holding true to morals, ethics and what is right or wrong and approaching the world through that lens is the right way to live, and the way that is best. There are other people out there who think like me. I’m just so strung out because I haven’t met too many of them, S perhaps, and other S.. but then again I”m so strung out becase the thought that perhaps I”ll never meet them makes me sad. I love the idea of meeting my tribe, MY TRIBE- this is the idea that sustains me. I might eventually meet people who I actually feel relaxed around, who I talk to and respect. I respect other people of course, but if I were to meet a certain type of person, lol likely a very left wing type of person. People who would reaffirm that what I believe is something that other people believe as well. Because I do believe that we should hold ourselves to a slightly higher standard. I do believe that we should concern ourselves with morals and ethics and work out what that means to us individually- work out what holds us back from just being decent. I really believe in the term decent. I think for a while the idea that this was naive or overly earnest started to affect me, but I’ve come back the right way now- I believe if we all just tried to be more decent, the world would be a significantly better place…

ANYWAY I’m diverging and rambling. I think what I”m trying to say is that I will hold onto what I believe to be important- whilst also working with the mum/tic issues. I can be a  bit extreme and it’s not right. I want to be able to view how other people seem to be though a humane lens rather than this extreme one.

Laters.