08/03/2019

I’ve just finished watching Paris is Burning, after watching a lot of Ru Paul’s drag race and previously Netflix’s film Pose- and I’m finding it inspirational and uplifting. Watching people who have historically been on the fringes of society, and who have received derision and worse for being who they are and daring to go out and be brave and unapologetic about their sense of self, has made me think a lot about how I’m living my life at the moment.

I’m in a rut, like a serious rut. I’ve been out of hospital for just under 3 months, and before I was home I had all these bright ideas about the things I was going to do and achieve whilst having this time out of work. I wanted to write and exercise, get back into reading and learning, and yet I have mainly been sitting in front of netflix. I’ve hardly written anything and I’m not using my time well, or constructively. It makes me think I used to get on Ru’s case so much when he was off work and not writing- now I realise how judgemental I was and how much I took it out on him. I spoke to my sister a couple of days ago and she said, everyone has this- they think they’ll use their time uber constructively and do all these fantastic things, and then when it gets down to it it’s too difficult.

I know this is true, and I know I put such high expectations on myself. Watching Paris is burning there was a scene when two of the people who were followed and interviewed talked about the things they wanted for their futures, and they were talking about wanting to be rich and have enough money to buy beautiful clothes, and have houses and cars and fame etc. It got me thinking. I’ve really only started thinking, in the last five years or so about the fact that I would like more from this world than I have at the moment. At this time I’m living off of benefits, and out of my overdraft. I have no money, I live in a housing association flat, cannot afford a car and don’t really have money for anything at the moment. I would love- my dream is- to write a book that a publishing house would want to publish.

I’ve been working on this for about five years, but am no where near the end of anything yet. I don’t want to make loads of money, but it would be amazing to have enough money to move out from this flat, have a little flat in Croydon or outer London. Of course I’d love to be able to afford a flat or a house in central London but I guess that’s the biggest dream.. Lol, that’s the huge dream.

I would settle, quite happily, for a flat in Croydon, and enough money that I can do a holiday a year and do a little bit of travelling. I could potentially achieve this. I JUST NEED TO KEEP WORKING!!

I need to keep working, keep writing, keep at it.