03/03/2021

I’m having a pretty shit day tbh. I saw my dad this morning, which I arranged yesterday when I was feeling better and more resiliant. It’s often the way- when I’m in a good mood I think everything’s fine, because it is. But then hours later when the voices and the shit has badgered me for long enough I start to doubt that and I then I regret arranging things. This is no where so apparent as with my parents. I realised, yesterday I think, that there is a modern term for what occurs when I see them- again not always, but often. They trigger me- they trigger all the paranoias and the depression and the worst of the worst thoughts. It feels like I work for a while to get on top of it, and manage it, but it’s such a shaky peace, and all it takes is for that little trigger to bring on all the negative shit, and it’s like a negativity bomb goes off inside of me and all of those shit feelings comes back. It’s because I have to censor myself with them- they won’t understand if I try to explain the negative stuff and it never leaves me feeling any better when I try to anyway. All they do is mirror my own frustration, my own stress and resentment. I think they struggle with the concept of sympathy. Although I can never work out how much I’m transferring my own resentments onto them, which is why they mess me up so much because when I’m around them I just feel smothered, like I’m a small fire which has just got going, and when I see them they immediately throw a damp blanket over me. It’s exhausting, going through this cycle again and again.

It’s been better than it has been, but today, seeing dad this morning has just destroyed me. He didn’t stay for long but I just feel like shit now. I got on a bus and travelled to Selsdon. Lol, there’s nothing in Selsdon and it was ultimately just depressing but I thought it would be better than simply sitting in the flat, and I’d been wanting to do the ride for a while. But I’m crying now, I’m in a really bad place tbh. I’m wondering about having a drink, it’s been two and a half weeks since last having one which is longer than I wanted to do anyway, and I”ve done really well. I mean, I was chatting to my friend N and couple of days ago and she was saying that she felt bad for drinking, but that everyone aorund her has a glass of wine at the end of the day so why is it so bad if she does? I agreed with her and said that it’s true, and I think that it only becomes a problem when you know it’s becoming a problem, if that makes sense. With me it wasn’t neccesarily terrible, I mean in these lockdown times I think everything that’s negative becomes over magnified anyway because there’s nothing else to focus upon. But it was just annoying me that I was drinking more than I wanted to be, more than I ever have done before.

I don’t know yet, I feel a little bit better now, just sick of this up and down, up and down. The cat just came and gave me a little cuddle, lol it’s the small things right?