One-Trick Pony

"One minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky."

It’s too late for so many things now.

There are so many aspects of who I am now that I would like to change. In so many ways, I want to be a different person. Every now and then, I get the fancy that I will change one of these parts of my personality or lifestyle. Nothing comes of it though. Why? Because at this point in life, those are the dried cement of my personality. I’m past the point of molding clay. Who I am is who I will always be.

Years ago, it was easily to create a persona for myself. If I wanted to be something else, I could modify behavior and thoughts. I successfully did it all the time too. I didn’t want to view girls as sexual objects, so I consciously restricted my mind from thoughts of that nature as much as I could. Many of the qualities I had in my personality back then were consciously constructed into my life. The future was a blank canvas on which I could paint. We all were at that age, whether we deliberately took advantage of it or not.

My life was shaping really well too. I was becoming someone to be proud of. Someone who would have been great some day in the approaching future. Someone everyone would want around.

Then things got mixed up. I fumbled a bit. Not realizing how little time I had left. Not realizing the window for personality construction was closing, I let go of all I had worked so hard at regarding myself. Not too long after, the molding period had closed. My personality was finalized.

Now it’s so frustrating looking at myself and hoping for something better. I know my mind isn’t as impressionable as before. This is the person I will have to live with for the rest of my life. These faults and limitations will continue every day. Not that everything is awful about myself. There’s just so many things I dislike. But it’s too late.

It’s too late for so many things now.
And it’s hard to live with, sometimes.