“Of Course”
“Oh, you came in with the breeze on Sunday morning. You sure
have changed since yesterday without any warning.”
So, it’s a little odd to think I may still be stuck a little on a
girl I liked in junior high and haven’t seen for four years (and that was only
briefly). I refer to Lauren Russo. For reference see the following entries:
http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A205998&entry=10525&mode
http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A205998&entry=10526&mode=date
From 8th grade to my sophomore year of high school I was near to
obsessed about her, even though I never saw her through those years. I was
convinced that she was the girl. The one that I was meant to be with, yet
I had somehow lost her. I was convinced she was my life’s love as dictated by
Fate. As I grew older, I lost this fantasy outlook on life and love and also in
turn gave up the obsession. But lately, I’ve been thinking back and wondering,
“Well, what of all that? Was it nothing? What was she going to tell me
that one day that she changed her mind about and said nothing?” I mean, I was
obsessed, so what about that? And I can’t help but feel this weird twisting with
thoughts about her and the questions.
Probably just a nostalgia for an important past, a John Cusack
High Fidelty quest, but this revived notion through recollection about
love’s idealism is interesting. Who the hell was Lauren Russo? More
importantly, who the hell was Lauren Russo for me?
And I want to talk to her. Ask her what the hell was going through
her head back then. What she was thinking. Tell her, “I don’t know why I didn’t
just fucking kiss you.” God, mostly I need to just detach her from my life…
cause she really haunts it. But still, what if? what of the past? what of my
naive, innocent romantic idealism and passion? It’s gotta count for something,
because it meant so damn much back then… why shouldn’t it now? Reading back on
words written back then, I said I loved her, over and over.
I can’t help but fear that because something in my psychology was twisted and
distorted through my experience and strong passion for Lauren, that I will
forever be looking for Lauren Russo in every girl. And I’m not sure there will
be many popping up…
God, I never wanted to lose anyone when I was younger.
That’s why
leaving eighth grade was so horrible… because for the first time in my life, I
had to.
And now the list is just too long
I hope you figure things out.
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I remember you talking about her. Some things are worth holding on to. Maybe.
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it’s odd the way you think of her now. i read an entry and you described her interest in you as shallow. psh. six other guys and david too. she’s crazy to have even considered anyone else. i hope you find a girl like your lauren russo to make you happy.
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She meant so much to you because you let her mean so much to you. You seemed to have wanted something she couldn’t give, so instead of letting go, you tried to reason your way through her feelings/reactions and reconcile those with your own feelings/reactions. I’ve learned by almost the exact situation you went through that you can’t try to figure out other people and you can’t control their….
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behaviors. It took me a lot of suffering to realize that, but I look back on that sufering and see that if I’d just accepted that I couldn’t change things, I would have been a lot better off. But back then, I was too committed to believing that my “love” would and should be enough to make everything better, so if I went back and told myself what I know now, I would not have listened hehe
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I heard recently that back in HS or something, she became an emancipated minor, I think, or got both her parents pissed at her or something… I’ll look into it again.
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check out this site? it might be her(the year seems correct): http://www.pitt.edu/~kdkd/sis/laurenr.html
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I don’t (let myself) need people for this very reason, I think, because losing them is just too hard. Stay safe, you.
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ryn: will do. and when i do get my own place, you must grace me with your david presence promptly. i’ll cook dinner for you.
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what the hell is this ryn thing? im going to push you off the boat today. push you off good.
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alright david. yes. i could not call you so here. i have come to realise you feel this personal responsibility to everyone. and that it varies for each person. and i have come to realise that i am usually wrong. but i apologize for whatever discomfort i may have caused you sunday night/monday morning. i know you’ve somewhat recognised my fondness of you even if you dont think it to be anything
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yea well. i figured you wouldn’t appreciate being pushed off of a boat unless it was going faster than 5 miles per hour…and it was too easy. you allowed yourself to be so distracted by the other boaters.
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meh. i have a feeling this summer will not be as grand as i hope it to be. but it is summer and i cannot complain…well i can…i can complain about the fact the mine is being cut half a month short. those bastards. but at least things will be freed up a bit.
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oh i guess i would have to. but dont do that. because just seeing you makes me not want to dance. …because you know. you’re a dance hog. it’d be an awful scene. i’d fight the dancing. just start laughing. i dunno what i am talking about. since i woke up my fever has gone up significantly. bah. i dont want to go to the hospital. but im not seeing things correctly or making sense. i hope you are
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enjoying the poetry reading. but…yes. if sweet jane was put on i would have to do something. but next thursday. im stoppin’ by graham and laura’s. yea. if you are still bored you should do the same.
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RYN: A very naked Mike. I woke up and he was on the floor in all but a towel. He has a nice butt… never thought to look.* ~FSR
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^Nothing but a towel… It’d be kinda hard to be in all but a towel. That’s a lot of clothes. heh. ~FSR
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obviously not today. did that get your hopes up? i mean. not in the way jeremie davies failed to get up but in the – oh another chance to make fun of the fact that she’s not too far from being legally a midget and oh so incredibly easy to pick on that little veggie freak- getting up of hopes.i realise when i say things like that. long and such. people forget whatever the hell it was i happened
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to be talking about in the first place. and…yes. uhm. hm. sigh. i’m done.
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heh. i actually enjoyed you calling me a rambling munchkin. very cute.
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fish? what?
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more like privatize privatize privatize. i cannot believe i forgot that entry. and what the hell about the fish
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so. i am not allowing myself to communicate. is this in referrence to the dancing? or just a general observation? or just a helpful suggestion? and you say i can do both. as in you know that i can? or a “go get em’ tiger” encouragement statement? well i suppose i know that i can do both. it’s just a matter of doing them well. there’s really no use getting upset about it. but…i dunno.
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let’s see…do them well…hm…i dunno. sounds risky.
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