April 15, 2004

Loneliest Number

If only we would all live our lives based on Frank Sinatra songs…

“Let’s fall in love, why shouldn’t we fall in love
Our hearts are made of it, let’s take a chance
Why be afraid of it?”

That what she should be thinking. It’s so rational afterall. There’s no certainty or knowledge of what would ultimately happened… but still, just cast it all into potential and possibility so that maybe, just maybe, upon looking back, we might think and sing to each other, recalling history:

“Strangers in the night, two lonely people,
We were strangers in the night up to the moment
When we said our first hello.
Little did we know love was just a glance away,
A warm embracing dance away.”

So that, on our death bed, we aren’t singing some Dean Martin tune of:

“Born to lose I lived my life in vain;
Every dream has only brought me pain.”

But, instead, in our last old, cracking voice, we might declare with power and pride:

“To think I did all that; and may I say – not in a shy way,
Oh no, oh no not me, I did it my way.”

Oh, but no. We are too cautious today. We don’t like chances. They never look to fit us so well. We don’t feel like taking chances of changing anything, changing the course of our actions. We don’t want to look down the alleys we never looked. No, we prefer to look into the screen at the shy boy actor, walking with hands in pockets, and a look that says, “I’m not fully comfortable with this attention.” We prefer to look at him and swoon, without looking to our left at the boy scrunched on the edge of the couch not wanting to take up more space that he needs, or the boy in class who doesn’t wish to speak too forcefully, not to look at the boy sitting in the chair next to us doing what he can to assist, while not knowing really how to acknowledge his own presence to anyone else around him… but who gets no greater delight than knowing he was truly there. No. To the screen we’ll swoon. But move in our regular patterns in reality. Repeat the cycles we continue to bitch about. Because surely reality is never worth as much as dreams; it is not worthy of dreams.

Maybe it is another genre that is more accurate. Maybe it’s all just bitches ‘n hoes.

No. No. No.

“You’re awesome.” “You’re the greatest.” “you’re great.” “You are wonderful.””You’re so sweet.”
But nothing ever reaches the power of a sincere “I love you.” The only phrase in the world that truly holds power, because it’s the one that holds the most risk. It’s the one that we use in chance. We don’t even want to allow the possibility of reaching the point to say it.

So comforting that David’s talking about this lousy stuff again.

How about, I miss you.

cilantro

April 16, 2004

alainajoann

I love music I’m glad you wrote *hugs*

El Matto

All I feel like I can do is apologize for the crap of the world. I like to think part of the problem is because most people don’t know what love is, but then they would if they took the risk to experience it. Hopefully one day you’ll be more wrong about this than you are right. Good luck, David.

Coca-Cola Classic

hey listen we can get married right now if you want . i am kind of in an altered mind state right now but want to get across to you that you are a looker and a personality that’s WIN WIN okay? feel good. strut. and the chicks will follow

winterist

Saying “I love you” to someone makes me want to run and hide.It’s good to see you writing again, wish I’d thought things through a little more about meeting up when I was in California. Alas.

i love you.

maybe out loud they are swooning over the people on the screen, but secretly they are in love with the person next to them on the sofa. -heather

April 18, 2004

marriage! yes! the altered state of mind did not lie.

ryn: you know, you’re a very wise person. It really dawned on me that you may be one of the wisest people I know, and you’re very observant. You say smart and meaningful things and I think that’s such a rarity these days. This solitude you spoke of seems to be a growing period (for me, at least) but I feel like people will see the kind of love we have and our desire to spread it in our actions….

I know I was always afraid to express those feelings in the things I do because I didn’t want to be rejected for them, but then I realized, what is the point of living if you can’t express the feelings inside of you? If I have love inside of me, I should let it come out in my actions and the way I live my life. Even without having that love returned, I still feel fulfilled, which is in itself….

a truly amazing feeling, I think. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before we find that the things we’ve gone through were worth our struggles.

April 19, 2004

lol thanks for the note it made me laugh. we decided that we’re going to talk more about the place and time for out date tomorrow (well I guess that’d actually be today now) I’m excited. I hope all well. *hugs*

i love you. for your words. for the little pieces of your life that i’ve seen here. since the beginning i’ve been watching. been reading. so i thought, just in case you hadn’t heard those words in awhile, i’d say them.

April 22, 2004

lol thanks for the note. It made my night. I like a little dorkiness in a guy. I think it makes them more sincere and it attracts me to him more. not having a job would suck. I need another job. :o) *hugs*

RYN: Exactly. You definetely have a place to stay now.

losing_face

April 26, 2004

david i cannot except that note back there. you were a specific inspiration for the entry

and im not a classy broad, dear david. *slurs words*

i have checked. no one shall do it with me.

Reading the last past of this entry made my heart truly ache, you are true and pure in your thoughts on this. As far as taking chances, I did it. I took the ultimate chance and it lasted 2 years and I walked away more hurt than I’d ever been. And now I feel older and shielded and I wonder if the opportunity ever presents itself again, will I be able to jump?