April 21, 2008

Killing the Actor

Back there, are they not good souls who wish me well?… Come… A pillow is over my mouth. They cannot hear me, they are ghosts. Besides, no one ever thinks of anyone else. Let no one come near. I am certain that I smell scorched.

This acting thing is the last chance I have at anything, I feel. If I fail at this, then I’ve failed at everything.

And I think I’m failing at it, horribly.

I’ve never been good at anything. Well. Correct that. Once, I was very good a many things for my age. Once I grew up, my talent didn’t grow with me. Therefore, I don’t even have anything to truly show for those fleeting talents. The product was never solidly good. Just loads of potential.

That’s my life. Always potential. Teachers always saw it in me. Everyone saw it in me and told me. It pained me every time. I knew… I knew I would screw it up. I would let everyone down. And here I am. Nothing to show for my life. Just failures and a lack of trying. I am a blank. Like Will in About a Boy.

I wanna find one face
that ain’t looking through me
I wanna find one place,
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands

I can’t really pretend to have doubts anymore. I am definitely the weakest link in this play. I’m flat, slow, off-beat, uninteresting… and all around unconvincing. What’s worse, I don’t know how to improve. I guess I just simply don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I really wanted to do well at this. After all… it is my final shot at life. I spend nearly every free moment working on the role in some form.

Sometimes I feel so weak I just want to explode
Explode and tear this whole town apart
Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart
Find somebody itching for something to start

I feel sorry for my romantic counterpart. Not only does she have to kiss me, which is surely no dream, but she has to act off me. One note: kissing while acting is really how they always describe it. There’s no time for it to be anything other than acting. The whole time you’re considering the technical details. There’s nothing personal about it. At least, for now it’s all consciously trying to make it look right. Never realized it would be that way. Anyway, the girl is very fun and gracious and kind, we get along swimmingly… all the more reason for me to feel guilty about being shit on stage.

cilantro

April 22, 2008

One Angry Dwarf

April 23, 2008

“Once, I was very good a many things for my age. Once I grew up, my talent didn’t grow with me.” Damn, that sounds familiar. In fact, I think it’s an affliction many “prodigy children” share. Maybe it’s pounded into our heads so early on how perfect we are that we forget how to develop our skills. We expect it to always be as easy as it was in grade school. Or maybe life just sucks.

just woke up

April 25, 2008

wow, if you think you’re that bad i need to know what playhouse this is. i feel like my skills are rusty and have been wanting to get back into theatre. i’m sure you’re not that bad. we are our own worst critics. and if you are working that actively on the role, i sure that has some positive effect. i’ve known way more half assed actos who have pulled off decent roles with much less work.

also. if you don’t want to ask anyone for help with your role, a good thing to do is videotape yourself if you can. that way you have a more objective view of yourself and can pick up more on any mannerisms or things that you want to change or improve.

El Matto

is it that you’re that bad, or that you tell yourself you’re that bad? because I think people who are that bad don’t know it. you seem to know it, which means there’s something not so bad going on. my immediate reaction to this was “you should go somewhere else.” but that’s my answer to everything. it sounds like life is stagnant for you. or the people around you are static (in the literary sense)

and they are keeping you back. you are inhumanly insightful and I feel like you really know, on some level, what you need to do. my guess is that you’re going in the right direction with acting. perhaps you’ve failed because you’ve not done what you’re supposed to do, and so you believe you’ll fail at what you’re supposed to do as well. I remember it was such a passion of yours when you were in…

high school. I’m a bit less inhibited because of this wine that’s next to me, but I think you think you’re failing because you measure yourself against unrealistic expectations. Just go and act. Just be in this one play and kiss this one girl. You’re so good at loving what you love, this sounds to me like the perfect opportunity to feel that way again. East side Disney love to you, David lol.

April 26, 2008

that is a ridiculously good note right there ^