September 23, 2004

It Still Matters

I am haunted by images and voices of the past. It frightens me at night.

Of course, when you say things like that, no one really takes it seriously… so why say it? The hope that someone might actually take it as something else… or maybe just to say it. But I mean that seriously. It’s not some metaphorically bullshit. Images of the past images and voices. Moments in conversations, things said, people I knew…

I went by Alix’s house tonight with some friends. Yes, Alix from nearly four years ago. Her. She has been haunting me more than most lately. So we went by her house. But it was too late and she had a new phone number. There’s some things I need to say to get off my mind. Things I never said in the past. I heard she’s engaged now. I want to see her. I miss her.

That night at the Mangels’ house still gets me. Ryan Lutz brought it up tonight… and surprisingly it still hit me hard. Tears weighing me down. That night when I watched the girl I wanted drift away to another guy because I was too slow… and having to drive them home, the two of them sitting in the backseat. And seeing her… seeing everything in her… back when I still believe in everything that I could still see it in someone’s face. She liked me. She really, truly did. I know that now.

I remember always siding with the scapegoat. In the plays, I always buddied up with the kids the rest of the cast pick on and branded as “annoying.” I don’t know why that happened. I just remember the faces of my friends in junior high. I see them looking at me.

And none of this matters. But I’m typing it. To think later, “that was worthless.”

do we exsist?

I think I understand. No… I’m sure I do.

cilantro

September 24, 2004

I am haunted by images and voices of the past as well. I wouldn’t say I’m frightened, but just sad. There seems to be so much of my life that I have screwed up, so many relationships that I should have gotten more involved in or acted differently in. And not really romantic relationships, mostly just friendships. So many I ruined because of my personal hangups and pyschological issues.

I would like so much to have a chance to do it all over again. I wish I could go back and show people how much I cared for them, how much I loved them, and done more to help them thrutheir own personal miseries instead of trekking so clumbisly thru my own. But it is over and I tyr so hard not to get over the guilt, to learn from it and move on, but too often people and moments pop up in my

brain to torture me for a while. I’m not sure if this kind of stuff is what you are talking of, but it is what I’m interpreting. Whatever it is, I do think it matters and I hope it works out okay. -heather

*try so hard to get over the guilt*

pseudo-me

October 24, 2004

Everyone has their comforts. Mine is in never saying ‘worthless’. Yours seems to be quite the opposite at times. I think in the end though, comforts are merely the clothes we wear to be protected from the storms of truth, only to at last shed them and be naked without conception of any difference between inner and outer, past or present. Your experiences of loss in the past are feedback

… for the present, and hints of prophecy of the future. Tresure, as you do well above all other things, your pain and your memory, your past loves and currents sensations relating to them. Nothing is ever over, it simply not current anymore.

A. Nony Mouse

July 20, 2012

Title: It still matters. Last words, “that was worthless”. That’s exactly the point. It’s ALL worthless but IT STILL MATTERS! Will you listen to yourself already?!?