I should be a grown man by now

I don’t remember writing that last entry. I guess that say all you need to know about my life. But boy was it a delight to see your notes upon logging in tonight! (that’s not a facetious statement, it honestly was a delight at the rough end of a rough day of a rough few months, which are in addition to a rough few years).

LOVE.

It’s such a small word. Certainly much smaller than serendipity. But it means a whole heap (reference Cool Runnings) more, doesn’t it? I’ve always gone with the Bible for my own personal definition of the word. It’s a pretty awesome definition, I think, you should look it up and really think about it some time. Love is kind. I will always, always, always try to be this for you, and to you, because you deserve it. You are a fantastic person, or mantastic if you will. I have so often been impressed by your unusual regard and consideration for the well-being of others, whether you are close to them or not. It’s something I would like to emulate, something I admire, one of the reasons I care about you so much (you MUST accept the fact that I care for you by now). Love is kind.

I think you’re getting impatient out there, you’re whistling at least, and so I will stop at kindness. For now…

That’s right, this will continue. Perhaps not in the form of a document on your computer. Maybe a note, an email, a letter, or a spoken sentence. Maybe it will take me months to get it all out, but in the end you’ll have it: the definition of why I love you. I would never say it without meaning it, so now that I’ve said it, I’d like you to know exactly what I mean by it and how much I mean it. David, I love you. I will always be

Yours,

_________

I came across this computer document from a past/present/future love (I have no idea how to confine love within a finite time period, it seems). Impressed by my unusual regard and consideration for the well-being of others, whether I am close to them or not… God. I can’t imagine anyone saying that about me now. It’s terrible having the thoughts of those that knew you before your body and mind were corrupted. Maybe those that burn all their memories are the wise ones.

And how foolish is youth? “I will always be… yours”? How often do we say things that never end up true?

I didn’t. I can’t. Not to claim that as an attribute to be praised. More that… I just feel lost in the normalcy of changing feelings and words said without the lasting quality of a legal contract. When I said “now and always” my “soul” carved in within my bone. And now I can’t escape so many carvings. And I’m left without fuel.

Clearly this is a sprawling entry.

I’ve been trying to get my shit together in every way I can imagine. Every steps leads to more and more failure. But I keep going. Sure, when bad news reaches my doorstep, I fall down like a knock down in a boxing match. I drink and drink, get drunk, write shit here or elsewhere, then sleep in my clothes Still, I get up before the count goes down each time. Grant me that, at least. I get back off the mat and return to the fight with vigor and confidence… to get knocked down again, surely, but such a pretty face is meant for destroying.

Nonetheless. From the outside. I look like one content to give up. To accept failure. To lie down and die. A bum. A no good bum. Cause let’s face it’s, that’s what I am Charlie.

Maybe one day there will be something positive and joyous here… or at least silence.