From California

So… frightening realization the other night. I have nothing in my life that I look forward to or that makes me happy… well, except recently one thing. But I don’t want to specify because (1) it would sound silly and (2) it might put too much weight onto something that is simple and wonderful and I’d hate to damage it by putting any sort of spotlight on it.

So, besides that… my life is a continuous pointless existence. With no thrills or Vegas-like reward system.

That scared the fuck out of me to discover, let me tell you what.

A girl came up and spoke to me of her own free will recently… a cute girl I had wanted to flirt with in the past… and I responded so nonchalantly. Flirtation never entered my head really. And when it all flopped, I shrugged it off. And now I merely worry about the shrugging off…

Oh! Oh! Pardon me. I should mention at this point that there is another girl I have been hanging out with/dating for 3 months who left for Mexico for a vacation with her family the morning before this girl mentioned previously talked/flirted with me. Yeah… You know. But I just can’t seem to feel real connections, so "Mexico date girl" isn’t my girlfriend. And I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I have never been good at the voluntary hurting someone thing. Especially when I truly deeply care for the person (mexico date girl… let’s just call her Emma at this point goddamnit).

Is it extremely abnormal to strongly love someone without being in love with them while dating? Cause I think it’s a pretty cruel trick of nature, personally.

Regardless, maybe when she returns from her vacation I can destroy her hopes and dreams! Oh boy! Yay!

nevermind.