Best Friends

Jordy McNiel was the first friend I ever had. It is not just a phrase… I seriously cannot recall a time in my life before he and I were best friends. He lived next door when we were kids. We had the purest of unconditional friendships, the kind only children can have. We’d yell, scream and cuss each other out at the end of a day, but the following day we’d play without a thought for the previous fight… not even an apology was necessary. With him, I learned what friendship was. His place in my life created all that I would come to be. Again, it’s not just a phrase, without him I would not be anywhere close to who I am today.

Jordy came from a bad place. His family life was not good. I know little, having been just a kid then… but I know it was hard. But that kid… he was always smiling. I never knew the pain of his life. I alway had more than him. My life was heaven compared to his. My parents took him in though. He did everything with me. He was like my brother.

Then we moved away from Jacaranda street. Jordy was placed into a group home. My mother felt it best I didn’t get mixed up in the negative aspects of Jordy’s future life. Her intentions were noble… but her decision was as wrong as they get. She abandoned him. I did too. I listened to her, being only a kid. I can’t comprehend the hurt and feelings of betrayal that must have caused. But I swore I’d find him again someday. For 15 years I swore I’d find him again and let him know he wasn’t forgotten.

Then, a month ago, I found his myspace profile. I wanted to contact him, but he had been in and out of jail. He looked in a bad place. I worried about the potential consequences of contacting him. I hesitated.

A week later, Jordy killed himself.

I found out the other day. Forgiving myself for that hesitation will be hard. Forgiving myself for listening to my mother will be as well. I know the reassurances that can be said at these times, but they aren’t necessary. This is just something awful I’m going to have to deal with. I post this because I loved the kid… and I know I would have loved the man as well. He didn’t deserve the life he had. I feel guilty for the life I’ve been given. Ashamed of my casual thoughts of suicide. I want my life to be worth his from now on.