Inadequate/ADD?

 I went to the microbiology senior dinner tonight.  Honestly, I was dreading going.  I didn’t want to talk to professors and I don’t know MOST of the students….but somehow it was better than I thought.

I sat down at a table and I just happened to be sitting next to a guy who, honestly, I used to have a bit of a crush on.  I saw him EVERY day last semester…MWF in spanish and then T/Th in Virology lab.  We had some good laughs, and he’s definitely a fun guy.  I’d probably describe him as a really smart popular, but really nice guy. A popular guy who knows he’s popular, but doesn’t act the part…if that makes sense.  He’s nice to everyone if you’re nice to him sorta guy.  Who couldn’t like a guy like that?  So that, and the fact that he’s super smart and…well, in my opinion, pretty damn hot….is why I had a crush on him…but anyways, so I was happy to be sitting next to him, as well as a couple girls who were either in one of my classes, or I went to high school with.  In all honesty, I sat at a pretty awesome table.  I didn’t have to talk to any of my professors.  We ate dinner, had some laughs/talks…we did a group quiz sorta thing which was pretty fun, and it was all around pretty decent.

It made me really think about my life and myself as a student though.  The students I was sitting with were ripping on this kid who apparently is just a big ass hole, but is also not very good at microbiology.  I understand making fun of him for being cocky about being so good at this n this, and then failing…that makes sense.  But they started making fun of him in the fact that he probably wouldn’t even graduate, and the professors probably pass him off and don’t have much faith in him at all, and he’s retaken Organic Chemistry.  That started hitting me personally a little bit because…that’s how I feel and that’s how/who I am in the microbio major.  I’m pretty sure, if that kid is the last in our class, I’m right above him.  They said his gpa is like a 2.3 or 2.4.  Mine is a 2.75 and in the MAJOR, it’s below 2.0.  I’m also retaking Organic Chemistry, and I feel exactly like my professors just pass me off and have little hope in me.  Everything they said…reminding me of who I am…has made me feel extremely inadequate.  It makes me feel like I’m not cut out to be a microbiolgist even though it’s something I really want to do.  I know everyone says to not worry about that, and do what you want to do…but if I’m not smart enough to do what I want to do…what should I do about it?  I can’t really take more classes in the major since all I have left is an elective, barely micro related, and a capstone.  I still have all the info from previous classes…from immunology, from pathogenic bacteria, bacterial physiology (i think), and maybe even genetics.  I actually feel pretty good about microbial genetics, but I’ll never need it.  Part of me wonders if I should just study some of that stuff the 2nd half of the summer…just a bit of it an hour or 2 everyday, during a time I don’t have any classes.  Try to cram "common knowledge" of microbiologists into my head.  Does that seem silly?  I feel like I shouldn’t have to do this.

It doesn’t help that I definitely feel like all my professors just pass me off as this hopeless student.  I see it in their eyes when they look at me.  I see it in my adviser’s eyes, I see it in a couple of my old professors’ eyes.  There’s only one professor who I feel like…he can see that I’m trying…and he wants to help me best he can.  This is the professor I’m doing an independent study with next semester…just one credit.  I feel like I need to prove to him that I’m not stupid.  Prove to him that I am smart and I can do this.

Sometimes I wonder if I really do have some form of ADD….or if whatever I do has become habit.  I never studied in high school…because I didn’t have to.  I’ll be honest, I was one of those kids that other kids hate because I never had to study to get good grades.  I DID do all my homework…and at that time, that was enough…it was like doing the homework WAS studying…it was enough for me to do it, understand it, and get an A.  It got harder my senior year when I had AP classes…The couple classes I got a B in were the ones I SHOULD have been studying for, and the ones I still got an A in, they were probably the "homework classes."  I did study for my AP tests, but it took a group effort as a bunch of us met together to study and that seemed to keep me focused.  But ever since then, hitting college…I couldn’t do that anymore. I managed to get by my freshman year, and I actually DID study for my hardest class, and did very well in it.  But ever since then, as I’ve been going up, the whole not studying thing has bitten me in the ass.  The thing is though…I realized that after the first semester I actually HAD to study..so I tried changing my habits.  The truth is though, I can’t get myself to sit down and focus.  Even when it comes to writing a paper, I procrastinate SO BAD that I’m literally writing a 10 page paper an hour before my class because I can’t focus on it.  Sometimes when I’m supposed to study at night, I just give up and say I’ll go to bed…sleep is better than studying and I’ll study in the morning…and I do study in the morning..it helps, i actually focus better, but it’s still not enough time.  I study better when I’m around people, but the people I used to study with..when I’ve tried studying with them, they aren’t studying or have other methods for studying that I used to be able to do, but are now very distracting.  Sitting in a library is too quiet, and even studying with some of the students in my class doesn’t help me because they are way smarter than me and I feel like I just bring them down or feel stupid when I ask things that are very clear to them.

I realize things I have said could describe a typical college student…but I am not just procrastinating TO procrastinate.  I’m not just on facebook or doing other things so i DON’T have to do my homework or study…I literally cannot focus on them, even when they are in front of me.  It’s like my mind just says "yeah, you’re not going to do that right now."  When I CAN finally focus, I can focus for a long time, so long as I’m not distracted, but as soon as I’m distracted it takes AT LEAST another hour to get back and be focused.  It comes that way to doing tasks too.  When it comes to doing tasks, or everyday things…I cannot just do one thing and focus on it.  For instance, while I’m packing for moving…I cannot sit there and pack one box at a time.  I literally am running around the house doing other things while packing, and packing multiple boxes at a time.  It COULD take me 5-10 minutes to pack ONE box, but because I’m trying to pack 5 boxes, wash dishes, dust furniture, etc at the same time..it takes me at least an hour to an hour and a half…but I will finish 5 things in that time.  Even while writing this entry, between writing I have written an email (bounced back and forth on here and the email), went to the bathroom, changed my clothes, let out a good cry

, and hang up wet laundry.  Is this normal????  Maybe I should talk to the counselor at school about this and find out for real if I just need to figure out a way to take care of this on my own or see if something’s up.  I’d thought about it before, a long time ago…but I always felt stupid going to do that.  I feel like a hypocrite because I’m fine encouraging others to seek counseling with serious problems, but here I am and I’m afraid to go.  Just like everyone initially is, I guess.

Well, that’s my story for the night.  I’d truly appreciate any comments from anybody regarding…anything.  Suggestions regarding my concerns with school, or studying, or even whether or not I should seek counseling about focusing. 

In the mean time, I’m going out with a couple friends, and hope the alcohol (not much…no more of that hang over shit) can wash away my tears.