I don’t want to be a grown up

 I cried randomly today on my way to class.  I can’t figure out which reason of a number of reasons it could be.

This week has been hell week, and it’s not quite over.  I had my senior seminar on Tuesday, 2 exams on Wednesday, and I have an exam tomorrow.  My senior seminar went fine until the answer and questions.  From what I’ve heard, it’s that way for most students, but I haven’t been able to kick the memory of me panicking at a question I didn’t know, rambling, and just making a fool out of myself.  I cried after the seminar and was just thoroughly pissed off.  Even thinking about it now makes me really frustrated.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, a lot so today.  Whenever I tell myself "I just want to go home" I know that where I am, I’m not happy.  I can’t tell if it’s because of physically where I am…I live in the basement of a house owned by a couple I’m sort of friends with.  I feel like I don’t always have privacy, like I have to watch what I do half the time, and like I’m obligate to babysit their dog when they aren’t home and the dog is pooping in the house and eating things that will make it sick.  I’m almost 23 years old and I really just want my own space outside of my bedroom for once in my life.  I’ve always loved the days when I had the house, the apartment, the dorm room..to myself.  To be honest, I don’t think I will ever have the chance to live 100% by myself.

That last statement sort of counteracts my next thoughts.  I’ve been thinking about where I’m going to be after school.  I’m on track to graduate in December.  If I can pull off a minimum of 6 credits of B’s, I will graduate in December.  So what then?  Luckily, I am not on an official lease with my roommates.  They thought I’d leave as soon as I graduated when I first talked to them about living here, and just for the sake of having a place to live while job hunting, I asked if I could stay until around March.  They were okay with it, as long as I pay rent.  I’ve been keeping an eye out for jobs recently, which are mostly in Madison and Milwaukee.  I also have been partially banking on going to England for a job after school.  It would be like having a fresh start, especially with the way their system works.  You start somewhere and you just work your way up, and you learn as you go up.  Not many people go to college unless it’s to be a doctor or a lawyer.  But, Justin hates his job now and he’s told me many times that instead of starting out in England, he just wants to come to America and stay here.  No easy way out.  So, I’ve been minorly freaking out about getting a job after all of this.

In that minorly freaking out about a job, I’ve been wondering where the heck I’m going to live.  I JUST started a new job here in La Crosse, but it’s the "job to put me through college" job.  I need to keep it until I get my "big girl job."  So, do I stay here and hope that I get a job by March while still paying rent, though not very high rent, living with roommates I’m already ready to escape, and seeking jobs that are 2-4 hours away?  I’ve debated on moving back home, or back to Milwaukee anyways.  Moving back home I would have to either find my own place (which would be my only opportunity to live alone until I get married) which would most likely be at least $400 rent…and that’s if I’m lucky, or I move in with my dad with having either no rent or very very minimal rent.  This being said, if I move back to Milwaukee before starting a big girl job, I would have to either go to having no job, or find a *part time* job to hold me over until I get the big girl job…but I would feel awful for finding a new part time job just to have to quit if I got a big girl job that didn’t allow me to keep working at part time job.  So…basically my choices are…do I stay in La Crosse, with current job that is going okay while paying a decent price for rent living with the current roommates, and just drive a fair distance if I happen to get an interview or whatever….or do I go home and live with my dad for a while, pay very minimal rent, but give up my job here and essentially have no job going home, but dedicating most of my time looking for a job?

Then I’ve been thinking about how I doubt I would even get a job that soon.  My GPA as a college student is crap.  If I graduate, my gpa in my MAJOR would be just barely above a 2.0, and my actual GPA will be just over a 2.8. I didn’t do anything outstanding, no internships, no clubs, no extra-curriculars, just work.  I don’t know most of the professors on any kind of special level and I’m afraid to ask any of them to be a reference.  I honestly wish I could just go back 4 years and start this over.  I wish I didn’t take some of the classes I took in the order I took them.  I understand a lot more right now than I did back then.  I even wish I had the TIME to retake some of those classes just to prove that I’m smart and I know this stuff, and that I can do better.

So…any one of those reasons is a reason that I started having a mental breakdown on my way to class…and I’m sure it’s not just one of those.

I’m so excited and so READY to graduate and be done with the school and the crazy amount of work there is ALL THE TIME…and yet I’m so scared to graduate, to move on, to compete with others for a job, to pay bills, to no longer be in the confinements of school…because school is all I’ve known for the last 20 years.