Happy Bipolar Period Day

 Not really.

But that’s how I feel right now.

I know I haven’t updated on here.  For one, last time I tried posting on here, for some reason this thing couldn’t keep up with my typing (I can type pretty damn fast sometimes) and kept trying to save and then would send the cursor back to the beginning of the line or the section and it just pissed me off.  I had to reclick where I left off SO many times.

Anyways, today has been so fucked up.

I woke up from a not so good dream.  This whole week I’ve been having dreams about Andy and Darlene.  I’m not really sure why.  Maybe it’s because my dream is saying "what happened to your fishnet top? oh yeah, your little ex gf still has it" ugh. Anyways,

I’ve had such a great day today. Truly. I went downtown last night for the first time in quite a while, believe it or not. I hadn’t gotten even tipsy in the last month and a half.  So I slept in today until class at 11, I experienced a new coffee place I like, went to a really cool lecture by Brian Deer about his investigative report on how autism was SUPPOSEDLY linked to vaccines, which was NEVER EVER true. He even showed us how the dude changed his data to make it believable. etc etc. If anyone is interested in the details of this, let me know. I didn’t take notes, but I remember a good deal of the talk, went to my workout class, and also was completely honored and inspired by someone of higher rank compared to me.  So, great day.

But my hormones are all over the fricken place. I got in a bitchy mood when I thought of Darlene having my clothes yet, and wearing them in photo shoots. Then I was thinking about how happy I am with Justin (we are engaged again. Until next year. Then we shall be married :D), and then I started getting sad because I missed him, and then I was trying to cry but I couldn’t and then trying not to cry when I felt I had to. just freakin messed up.

I wrote a blurb about dreams in a journal entry on some other site, and then started writing a poem on another diary sort of site that basically shows what I’m feeling and even just my bipolarness. I will add it to the end of this entry. But yea, just…really fucking weird day.

More on life events when I am less busy. *sigh*

Fighting back forced tears

I want to cry.
I need to cry.
And yet I can’t.
And yet I don’t want to.

My heart skips with excitement
For its engulfing ache
A scream on the verge.
A scream on the verge.

I long to be alone
While being held
By your body warmth
Against the cold air.

I don’t miss you
But I need you
Enough to cry
Out of happiness.