Connections

 It’s crazy how you can be connected with someone and just know that something is wrong before anything is said or shown.

I "slept" on the marrying thing.  I say that because I didn’t get to bed til 4 am the night I wrote my last entry, which I’ve now made FO.  I talked it out with a close friend of mine.  He said he knew from the get go that I didn’t want to get married.  He said he could tell by my mannerisms and how my body language would change whenever I would talk about getting married, and more so moving over to England.  That sounds silly, because I’m the one who said I wanted to move to England –but honestly, I want to move there for the sake of our future family, not because I want to live there.  It’s not like I could throw that argument out there upon trying to break it off either because I know that he would be happy to drop everything and come move here with me.

I talked it out a little more with the person who I’m currently lusting over.  I probably over shared a little but I asked him no longer hypothetically that if I was single, would he want to be with me.  I realize today he didn’t QUITE answer my question. He just told me he felt like he has been holding back, and he doesn’t want to feel like he has to hold back. There are some other things, but ultimately I did ask him that if I was single if he would want me to be his, though I don’t think I phrased it that way, and thus I realize now I didn’t get a straight answer.

Despite, that can’t be a reason that I would end the engagement.  It’s easy to put that into consideration but I have to try hard not to, and if I’m finding that I keep coming back to that, then I need to just not do it and not risk it in that sense because I know I could just get hurt.

Anyways, I bring up connections because, it’s strange…Justin says today he is having a very low day today –usually that means he just misses me a lot.  He said that last night and this morning that he misses me a lot and has been a little extra lovey in his texts lately. ugh. Just makes this all more difficult.  I’m still sort of stuck. I think I’m just more scared than anything.. I only have about 20 save the dates that I sent out, I still have to send out the rest (which I hav ebeen putting off =/), there’s already a $1000 down payment on the venue, and there’s another one coming up in April–that’s another reason why I feel like I need to rush this and figure things out soon.  I don’t want him to have to pay another $1000 towards the wedding if it won’t happen =(  He just paid for me to fly over to England in May to visit.  Part of me thinks that I should go, see what happens, and see if I feel better about it–but I feel like I already know what’s going to happen.  *sigh* I’m just so confuse!!!!!!! =(

Okay…I think that’s it for now.  I didn’t have a heavy heart until I wrote this all out again, and now I’m heavy hearted.  I need to study for work as tonight I’m taking my "final" to see if I can be allowed to start working on the floor by myself.  I hope I pass! (95%!!)

Hope everyone has a good weekend. Be safe (St. Patty’s Day drinkers!)