What Will Happen?

We have so much going on at the moment in the world of "The Browns". It seems like we are making up for the last 10 years all in one year. I don’t to say to much, because well I just don’t want to jix it yet. With my luck of last year and it not being a good year I wanted this year to be more then wonderful. But things are looking very good, and I do mean very good. Maybe by the end of the week I will have more news and be able to write about it some more, plus I know some people read this and not I’m ready to just share it yet.

If this all does come about our plans of IVF will be on the back burner for some time. We just don’t have enough money to spend around to make both happen. But I have a funny feeling that some how we will come up the start up fees of $5000 by May, which really when you have been waiting since 2003, what is some more months to wait and see your life plan finally starting to take place. By May these plans will almost be finished and it has been a hope and dream that this would be happening and even more so if we have a second baby.

Speaking of babies, it has started to become a sore point with me. While for almost 3 years now I habe been telling myself that I would be happy if Callum was my only child. I could live and go on and be happy, but I knew that on the inside I would be sad and morn for the chance to be able to carry, birth and hold my baby again. It’s still a sore and very hurtful area for me at the moment and sometimes I can be happy for friends. I try to find actives to fill my mind so as that I don’t think about it all the time and I can still live a happy life.

I have been reading a little bit about how to deal with this kind of pain and emptiness and really I do feel very lucky that Matt and I have been blessed with Callum. He is more then I ever hoped for. Everyday feels a little bit more painful because I start to forget what it was like to have life with a newborn and the first 3 years.