Once Again

 Would you believe me if I wrote again, that I’m having problems with Mum again?

Wade is staying at her place. She knows how much I hate him. Hate is very strong word, and I really do mean that I hate him. He lives with his parents in a 4 bedroom house, he told Mum that his grandparents are staying and he gave up his room to them. Has he heard of sleeping on the couch??

I wanted to come up to Mum’s On Monday night, because we both have the same business people and i wanted to chat to her about the website, tax, gst etc. I poped in on Saturday to pick up MYOB to run it on my computer at home, and hows shoes do I see? Wades. She danced around it, but I got it out of her in the end. I hate the fact she can’t tell me right out. He was meant to be going on Sunday night, so no big deal. But he is staying till Friday. I won’t take Callum anywhere near him. Stupid no-hoper.

Sunday night Mum’s MSN logs in. I msg and started to chat away, but it wasn’t mum it was Wade. So I rang and spoke to him. Would you believe that he said this to me “You know, it doesnt matter you do Kellie, I’m always going to be in your family.” I rang up and just cried. talk about my weak spot.

I’m lucky that Dad wants to talk to me. He rang not long after that and I just cried my eyes out to him. Why is it  only now that Dad and I have a real friendship and he lives miles away?

A little while longer, Mum logs in to Msn. I wanted to show her the site, and chat with her. But I feel like Im a pain in the bum you know? She has a quick look, and doesn’t say much. I’m so happy that my bones are jumping out of my skin and she is not interested. I’m I selfish?

We got into a big fight over MSN about Wade *rolls eyes*. When  A person hurts your child, wouldn’t you not talk to the person? I know I wouldn’t. Thats just me. But somehow we spoke about if he doesn’t leave, I’m going to just so crazy and not see Mum anymore. Simply she says, fine, you owe me $300 have a nice life.

I feel so lost. I couldn’t even think of doing that to Callum. “Have a nice life”. I guess there is no connection between us. I don’t want her to call me very day, I don’t want to see her very day, But  I just want a real Mother. A real Nanna for Callum. From the time I became a Mother, I’m full of Love. I would do anything for Callum. We have a beautiful connection with eachother. It’s amamzing.  It would be nice if Mum could call me once in while you know? I feel like I always call her and try to make plans. Even the day after, she never called. I’m so sad. I’m so lost. What do I do? I what to stand my ground about Wade, I don’t want to be a doormat again. She always says that she doesn’t take sides, but I feel more like he is her son, then I’m her daughter.

I just don’t know. Is it that easy. Just say goodbye and forget? My parents where never very good parents, but still they are my parents you know? There must be some kind of connection that she feels? Maybe I’m just getting my hopes up. Not only is she saying goodbye to me, but aswell to Callum. How on earth do I tell my child that my parents don’t really care about him? I understand from Dads view. He is lost. More lost then what I am. I know in time, he will come back around. He is trying to change his life. But Mum, I just don’t know.

It really feels like the world is on my shoulders once again. If I go back and make friends with her, whats to say that she really wants that? I wish I could read minds. I crave to be loved my parents. It’s like a empty whole in my heart that was never fixed. I can’t forfill it, only real love from them can. Sometimes I don’t know what I would do without Matt.

It will be interesting to see if she makes a call on Callum’s birthday next week. ( I know its only nest week) I don’t know how I feel about that. I bet she turns up like nothing happened, only because Matts family are going to be here. One must put on a good face and be better then his Family.

Kell

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