My Feelings

I had dreams like most expectant Mothers. I dreamed of a baby that would be part of my life and made plans of bring Callum home after spending my 5 nights in Hospital. Having him arrive prematurely I feel like my dreams have been replaced by uncertainty. I didn’t get to cuddle and breastfeed Callum like most new Mothers. At first I didn’t even know where the NICU was or who was looking after him. All I knew was that this is not what I wanted. I wanted the normal birth, I wanted to breastfeed and cuddle him and bond with him in the first hours of his life and, then watch him fall asleep in my arms. To make matters worse I was in the Maternity Ward. Personally I think hospitals should set aside a smaller ward for Mothers with premature babies. I still feel like I had done something wrong. Not only are you coming to terms with your own feeling of disappointment or even guilt you fear for the life and health of this little tiny baby. At first I didn’t feel like Callum was my baby. I still felt pregnant. I couldn’t believe that this happened to us. Afte being through treatment to get pregnant, I believed that I would have a “normal” pregnancy.

After going through the washing machine of feelings, it then drawned on me that yes this is my baby. He came from inside me, and that yes this really is happening to us and we have to deal with it. One day I hope to have the answers to my questions like why? Till then I have to make do with what I have. I would have it this way 100 times then to lose one more baby. Im very overly protective of Callum and I do get upset by being told what I can and can’t do with him. I was very tearful at first and still are upset and depressed about it. So much that my milk is starting to slow down. The one thing that I can do for him and yet right now, I feel like i’m out of conrol of that too. Yet I know it takes me to get back into conrol of it. Giving him my breastmilk makes me feel like his Mother. Providing Callum with my breastmilk has become immensely important to me. Not just because it is beneficial for him, but because it seems to be the last shred of my nurturing role as a Mother that is left to me.

Callum is 2 weeks old today.

Kellie