Just A Vent

 I feel like crap. I really do. I’m not talking to my family. No one. In the end I came to think that it’s best right now, that we don’t see my parents till they grow up and see that I can be a wonderful person and that Callum  doesn’t need that kind of crap in his life that I had.

 I feel like a lost little girl. I don’t have a lot of self-Esteem and when I do start to feel better about myself, they always bring me down. Sometimes I feel like nothing. How many parents out there tell there childern that they are an idot? Or a dickhead? Or that they mean nothing and are nothing? Will never be anything?

 Being told these things from anyone hurts, Just think that it is like when your parents tell you that. All I can say is that it’s hard. Sometimes I feel so strong and nothing that they say can hurt me. But deep down it always leaves a mark on my heart.

 Face your fears, they aren’t  as bad as you think they are. Facing your fears increases your confidence. To face my fear of not being loved by my parents I think would kill me on the inside. Because I know that they don’t like me. My parents don’t like me. I think that they may even hate me.

 I wrote them this letter thinking that if they knew how much that it hurts me, they may think twice, but they didn’t even read it, they just ripped it up.

Dear Mum and Dad,

 This is one of the hardest letters that I have ever had to write. A letter, a life change that will alter my life. Do you even Care about that? I think so much of you, I love you more then you will ever now and every time you hurt and lie to me I start losing respect for you. I’m at my wits end. I don’t feel like your daughter anymore, I feel like a person off the street, like a customer that gives you the shits. Like when someone phones and you don’t want to talk to them and you push them away. Like a person that you call on when you need something. When you need to feel like being a Mother. I have tried many times to talk to you about how I feel, yet you push me away. You wish not to hear what I have to say. This meaning that you won’t let me tell you how I feel. It really does offend me when you continually tell me to “get over it”. I’m a soft person on the inside and I really do take it to heart. Every time that you have hurt me, I remember it.

 The pain that I feel now, is nothing that I have ever felt before. I feel like I have been abounded. I now know what Mothers Love is. A love higher then anything, in the world. No matter what happens or happened. Are you disgraced by me? Are you ashamed of me? Do you even really feel any tenderness for me? Not just because you are family, but because it comes from your heart? I believed that having Callum would have made us all closer. I believed that he may have helped you deal with your loss. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I do ask for to much, I’m just asking for my Mother. I would like that trust and love I have seen many families haves.

 I didn’t really know my Grandmother, and I loathed you both for it. Then I had the chance, but it was too late. You have a beautiful Grandson. Don’t let him go. Don’t do to him, what you have with me in the past. Please don’t let him feel like an inconvenience, like what I have. He is an exquisite person on the inside. I feel lucky to be his Mother. Remember the hatred that you must have felt when your Mother stopped talking to you. It’s a soreness that burns through your bones. I know how that feels. That’s why I can describe it.

 Maybe you are ashamed of me. I can’t help that now, because you won’t let me. I don’t measure up to what you would like me to be and I have let you down. But you’re not the only one who is let down, here. Maybe one day you will both understand how I feel. I just want my parents. I want my Mum and my Dad. I want the two people who once loved me. Maybe you can find that again in your heart. Us much you both hurt me, I love you more then anything. You’re all I talk about. Maybe you just don’t see it. I’m just a person who doesn’t know if she has support of people who she cares about. I don’t need to be made felt like I’m nothing. I’m a real person that you both made. I’m apart of you both.

 I’m a wonderful person. It has taken me years to find myself and to love myself for who I am.

Now you both know how I feel, and how I have felt over the years. So to speak the ball is in your court. You have a telephone and all you have to do is call me and talk to me. But I’m in only giving you tonight to do it. It’s all of three hours time.

As hard as it for me to write this, its going to be hard for you to pick up the phone.

Kellie

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