“You know it tastes so good”

6:47 am – listening to: "if eyes could speak" by devon werkheiser

I am happy. Probably happier than I’ve been since Thanksgiving. Reconnecting with Rachel hasn’t been difficult at all. It’s been like picking up where we left off, only better. We talk almost all the time. Last night was probably the exception. We went shopping after she got off work, we text for a few minutes after she got home and then didn’t talk for an hour or more. It wasn’t an issue for me. When we worked together, we found things to talk about. But we already knew about each others day. We already knew how work had gone and that was really all there was to "talk about" at the end of the day. Our conversations have been extended a little because of us not working together. It’s a conversation starter, that’s for sure. But we still share videos and pictures and we still poke fun and have fun and talk about her roommate and my mom and things that bother us. For once, I feel like I contribute more to the emotional stability of our friendship. Not more than her, because we both had a couple of rough moments last night…and when I needed her, she was there without hesitation. But, I feel like I am able to give more to our relationship.

We don’t have a title; and it’s good because I think it would innocently pose conditions. Make us act a certain way. For example, we were at Wal-Mart shopping and the cashier I think was just a friendly guy. But for some reason, as I turned to put a bag in the cart, I caught myself saying "Dude, don’t talk to my girl like I’m not here" under my breath. I’ll admit, when I say/think things like that, sometimes I take a step back. I remind myself that we are what we are, it works for us, but there’s no need to get all up in arms about someone flirting with her. And like I said, he was probably just friendly because he did it with the girl in front of us. I don’t care to have a label on what we are. I see how happy she is, I know how happy I am. I won’t jeopardize that for a stupid label to explain it to anyone. It’s not yer business.

Our communication is amazing. There are times where I know she doesn’t want to open up because of her guilt or shame or embarrassment. I try very hard to not push her because those are hard emotions to deal with, and I know that she hates to admit she’s wrong, she hates to admit she hurt anyone because she hates that she did. I understand how she thinks. I can get in her head simply by looking in her eyes – and she can do the exact same with me. I seriously believe in soul mates. That one person in the universe who you can communicate to with a simple look. Who can read you even when you’re asleep. Who can "guess" things about you and be spot on. "They’re rare, but they exist" and Rachel is my soul mate. We talk better now than we did when we were dating. Pre- and post-accident. We share better. And there will be things I don’t want to hear her say, as there already have. And there are things that I don’t always understand because I’ve never been there.

Example: I had to ask a friend to explain a rebound to me. I understand the principle of a rebound and how they work, but I don’t understand the emotional need for one. It was simply explained to me as this: "Rebounds are meant for just being a person you go to after a break up so you aren’t lonely. Like [insert name] they usually don’t mean anything. You didn’t have a rebound and you dealt with the break up just fine. Rebounds don’t matter it’s the person you have true feelings for that matter! Which is Rachel. She was the goal not the rebound. Rebounds can also be a good thing though because they make you realize who you truly would rather be with." My understanding of a rebound was literally to fill the physical void. I had people telling me the reason Rachel moved on so quickly was because of the sex. Well…people are stupid and I defended her honor. Rachel didn’t go from our love into an ill-fitting love. She thought she was in a friendship that actually turned to be one-sided and unhealthy. And yeah, she ended up physically rebounding. But I defend her right to rebound. I didn’t rebound because I didn’t want to. I didn’t need to. I made mistakes, too. I reached out to KY. And I reached out very early after we broke up. Why? To fill the physical void of not having Rachel by my side. I thought I could replace that with someone else’s voice. And then I reverted to my old ways with Jess. I can’t stand her and I KNEW better than to start talking to her again. But I was desperate for connection, desperate for attention. To feel validated…to feel wanted. And then I stopped trying when I started giving myself attention, when I started to validate myself.

I had a much different direction I wanted this entry to go. I guess this stuff is important somehow. I just want it to be known that as hesitant as some people are to Rachel and I talking again (and it’s none of their business what else we’ve done because, as I said we don’t have a label but I definitely don’t do what I do with her with anyone else) there is nothing to worry about. We have an open and honest, happy and healthy relationship. That’s kinda our mantra. When we doubt ourselves or when we question talking about something, one of us says it and we have the conversation that needs to be had. And we’re pretty good at having it right then and there, not putting it off. It’s important, it’s good. But we had one of those important conversations last night and I’ll be honest, I don’t care about her rebounding. I actually am glad for two reasons (and can bypass feelings of jealousy). 1) Because I was not perfect in our relationship, but I was a very good boyfriend. I was loving, sensitive, caring and attentive most of the time. Knowing that she wanted to find something that could give her that means I didn’t fail her as badly as I feel and think I did. It happened after us, not during us and that makes a BIG difference. 2) And this is selfish but it makes me feel good about myself – I’m better in bed. I’m not one who needs my ego to be stroked, I’m really not. A simple compliment can go a very long way for a pretty good amount of time. I’m not a jerk, I don’t need to be constantly fed reassurance, even though in my previous paragraph I said I needed validation. A different validation was needed there. And it’s cocky, or maybe it’s not. I know I’m better in bed. I know I have natural talent and I’m not afraid to boast about it. Then again, I think it’s worth boasting about because I know what I can do and I’ve heard that my ego deserves to be boosted.

I have a small ego, but I have a lot of confidence. I’m not an asshole, I don’t rub my talents or my skills or anything in anyone’s face. It’s not my style. But the point I’ve been trying to get to is that I have a friend who heard the most recent chapter in my life (she moved to CO in August or something and hasn’t heard much after Rachel and I broke up) so I gave her my side of the story with a little on Rachel’s. I defended Rachel because I knew her support would be on my side and I refuse for anyone to think I was innocent in the break up. I wasn’t. I made Rachel unhappy. I wasn’t trying hard enough to make her happy again. You can’t take someone out on a date and hope it makes things better. You can’t give them space and hope things fall into place on their own. And that

‘s what I did. I tried going out with her (on one double date and two other times with our friends to the movies) and when that failed (hell, even before then) I backed off. I stopped texting her after work, I stopped playing games with her. I was literally leaving the ball in her court and letting her decide what she wanted, whether that be to talk to me, to walk away from me, whatever she wanted I was behind simply to save face and make it seem like I was trying to make her happy. I FAILED, TOO. She’s not a villain here. She was an unhappy woman who tried hard to make her relationship work. We both agree we were going to break up. We had been over for some time, the spark had been fading for almost three months before we split. By the last time we kissed on 12/28, the spark had gone out. There are two things I’ll never forget. The last time we kissed and the last time we made love. They were not the most positive things to remember as they both indicated at the very primal level of my heart and soul that we were over.

So I told my friend Kate about what had happened and I love Kate for this. She goes "this is better than a soap opera" and it’s one hell of a story. So, I finish with my story and I say "LONG STORY SHORT (because the rest is just details) Rachel and I are talking again." and Kate asked if she could write a story about me. I was taken aback. A story? On her blog? About ME? I said yes, then I asked "are you serious?" Yeah, mixed up responses but I would have agreed anyway. My break up and reconnection with Rach is only part of my story. It’s the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. The chapter I wrote in the middle is quite small, but quite powerful. I lost two of my dearest friends. I was isolated from a third friend. And the friends I did have access to didn’t want to hear about my heartache. They didn’t know Rachel, they hadn’t seen us together. They didn’t know us…and, honestly, I didn’t reach out to them for emotional support. I just needed to get my ass out of the house to get away from the memories. When it came to dealing with the break up, when it came to rebuilding myself…I did it MYSELF. I found my own value. I found my own confidence. And the backbone Rachel helped me form became ten times stronger. I shed a lot of what was holding me back and what was causing problems in our relationship. I’m still sensitive, but not as sensitive and my heart is not on my sleeve. It’s tucked away very safely, deep deep deep inside. There’s a massive amount of protection to get through to get to my heart. I made sure I’d never be able to be hurt again. I’m much more laid back. I do not stress about things like I used to. I’m still over-thinking a little and I sometimes feel the need to over-explain, but both of those happenings have decreased in the last three months. My logic has increased. It’s almost like the accident made me stupid. Common sense things didn’t always make sense. And yes, I’ve become a literal person more than I ever have been in my life. Sometimes it’s funny, pisses Rachel off to the ends of the earth. Little changes have been made that have made a very big impact on me. The person I was when we broke up is not the person I am now. The person I was for the two weeks following our break up certainly is not the person I am now. My off-the-deep-end crazy is not even CLOSE to this person’s normal. That’s how crazy this person is. And maybe I’ve mentioned her name, I care not to mention her name anymore.

So…Kate wants to write about my story. About my life. She called me a hero, said that she admires me and that I’m a fighter, a trooper. I am humbled by this and will absolutely share her interpretation of my life with everyone I can. I haven’t had a hard life, people. I’ve lost only one real friend who I expected to be in my life forever. I was raised by a woman who taught me to love all life and to be respectful of things, even if I don’t understand it…and to find a way to understand it if it really mattered to me. I had a father who, although he was absent for 10 years and then died 12 years later, loved me with all he could and made sure I knew he was proud of me before he died. It’s sad that I don’t remember the hardest conversation of my life with him. I had to ask my mom how he handled it, but she said he was proud. That he cried and said he just wanted me to be loved and he knew I’d find it someday. I never saw black and white, in terms of race and in my world. I lived in a technicolor world. The sky was the limit. I wasn’t pushed to do one thing or another, I got to make my own decisions on what I liked, what I wanted to do, what I wanted to wear, what classes I wanted to take. I was made to think for myself from a very early age. I was allowed to make my own decisions on why I liked someone or something. It wasn’t imposed on me because my family felt one way or the other. I wasn’t really bullied…in fact I was a little bit of a bully as a 10th grader. I threw pennies at the freshmen table for a few months before I realized it was being a bully. I apologized. I knew right from wrong because I was allowed to learn right from wrong. We didn’t financially struggle. I understood that if Ma didn’t have money, I just had to wait a little longer for the things I wanted. I got them, just not immediately. I’m not an instant gratification person. Granted, I’m not the most patient person, I have more patience than I don’t. Why Kate wants to write about me, I’ll never truly understand…probably not until I read what she has to say about my life.

LONG STORY SHORT!!

Things with Rachel are amazing. I love seeing her every day and I love that she’s back in my life. Things are much better than they were when we were together. We fell apart so we could fall back together. I’m apparently a hero, which I can’t wait to find out why and share it because I don’t see myself as a hero and I’m very humbled by the fact that my life has made such an impact. If there’s only one person in the world who takes something positive away from my existence, then I have lived a wonderful life. I’m a better person now than I have been, I’m a happier person and it’s something that nobody can ever take away from me again. It’s not theirs to take unless I give it to them…and I’m quite selfish right now.