One person…

11:33 pm – listening to: "wide awake" by katy perry

Today hasn’t been a terrible day. I realized I was sitting in the rocking chair and telling myself "my life doesn’t suck, not in the least bit" and I don’t know why I even had to tell myself that. The job market sucks, truth. I also live in a college town and graduation is in a couple of weeks. As kids leave town, more jobs will open up. That does suck. I don’t have a real routine that’s mine. I adjust for my mom or for Rachel. But I’ll take it over sleeping all day. Seeing Rachel has given me more routine and more motivation than I have without her in terms of a daily schedule.

My mom got me a watch for Easter and I got it Sunday. I absolutely love it. I wasn’t sure I’d like the nylon band, but I wanted to try something new. It’s perfect. I’ve made plans to have a party at my house for my birthday on May 4th. I get why Rachel is nervous about coming to the party. I also get why I have the friends I have. Tiffany was more…not upset, but concerned. She didn’t even know we had started talking again…I can be such a failure sometimes. She’s in my top four friends EVER and I didn’t remember to tell her one of the most important things that’s happened to me. FAIL. (btw the list goes rachel, maygen, tiffany, kesha) She was worried we were dating again or that I was going to jump into a relationship. I explained things to her and I informed her that Rachel and I, either as individuals or a potential couple, are ready to date each other again. Tiff just needed to be reminded that I was thinking with my head and not my heart. And I am. I’m trying. It’s known that I love Rachel and when you see us together, you can tell that she loves me, too. But in terms of the emotional availability that it takes to be in a committed, romantic relationship…well, neither of us are available. It’s just agreed upon that if we start talking to someone else (like that’s going to happen) then we are honest about it. She doesn’t want to know if I start talking to someone else. I’m not looking at anyone else. We may not be together and we may never be together, but my heart is hers forever and always.

But Kesha had to go and pop off today. Telling me I was doing what I did when we were dating: "All Rachel, no friends" and I won’t be damned if she said "just a heads up kinda thing" Bitch, I know EXACTLY what you’re doing. And I told her that nobody had planned anything, nothing was going on and I had been there for the last two or three events that I didn’t really need to be there for. Why? Because I missed my friends. Because I am a grown ass man. I’m 26 years old. Rachel does not own me NOR does she even act like she owns me. She lets me think for myself. Fuck that, she MAKES me think for myself. Rachel does not keep me from ANYONE and even when we dated, Rachel did NOT keep me from anyone. If I wasn’t hanging out with you, I was either A) busy or B) I didn’t want to see your ass. Kesha doesn’t get that. Then again, she’s never been in a relationship before. She hasn’t seen us together, she doesn’t understand our dynamic. I set her straight and she really backed off. She should know better. Nobody owns me, I’ve never been owned and I never will be. Why can’t I have friends who support me?

I get their concern, but do people really expect me to screw up that badly? I mean, my own mother told me "not to screw up" when Rachel and I were dating. Like she expected it to fail. I’m not perfect, I never have been and I never will be. But I’m a really awesome person. I have really great judge of character. I’m pretty smart and have above average intelligence…slightly. My common sense isn’t always sharp but I make it work most of the time. I get Tiffany’s concern. She’s seen me spiral in and out of relationships and she’s seen me bounce to and from a girl multiple times. But I’m not bouncing, I’m not rebounding, I’m not lying, I’m not trying to avoid being lonely. I’m simply with my very best friend in the galaxy. She’s my friend and yes, I love her with a different, romantic, more passionate love than I do anyone else in my life, but that doesn’t mean we are in a relationship or that we are going to jump in head first like we did before. Again, if we ever get back together, it’s going to be a while.

I realize that I betrayed Erika’s trust when I told Kedron about her and Crystal. But…I didn’t tell a blabbermouth, I didn’t tell someone who doesn’t have Erika’s back. Jesus, I had to talk him out of going over there right then and there to kick Crystal out. And that wasn’t easy. I said several times that the only reason I haven’t already taken care of Crystal is because of my respect for Erika. Because I have had PLENTY of opportunities to get her when she’s home alone and to destroy her life. To make her regret everything she’s done since August 2012. But I haven’t done ANYTHING without permission because I have respect. And when someone is genuinely concerned for a mutual friend, it’s hard to not tell them what’s going on. I didn’t give him details, I didn’t make Erika out to be a victim so much as I made him understand that Crystal is a fucking cancerous parasite. He understood, he wanted to see Erika and he wanted to try and help her. But nobody got to see that and Erika got (rightfully so) mad at me. But when she needs someone, she won’t reach out to me. Fine…don’t reach out to me.

I’d say I don’t care but that’s a lie. I do care. It hurts that she doesn’t trust me and that it’s my fault. I’ve spent almost the last 6 months trying to keep my friends and relationships in tact where Crystal is concerned. As we can tell, I lost at least two friends because of her and I’m so wrapped up in how angry that fucking cuntbag makes me that I’m on the verge of losing ANOTHER friend. This time, not because of lies she’s told them about me, but because I can’t see past my own anger and keep my mouth shut about shit that isn’t my business to tell anyone. I’m sorry for wanting to help, okay? I’m sorry that I care so much that I can’t see straight. I’m sorry that I would go to jail for three specific people to get this bitch out of their lives forever. I’m…not truly sorry and I won’t genuinely apologize for caring. Nobody has to return the favor, nobody has to get as upset or riled up as I do about this fucking psychopath…I SAW IT COMING FROM A MILE AWAY AND I FAILED AT PROTECTING THE PEOPLE I LOVE THE MOST!!!!!!! I failed at protecting Rachel. I failed at protecting Erika. And in a sense, even though Erika and I talked, I lost her. I didn’t get to see her, I was uncomfortable talking to her at work…and Sweezy. She’s cool people. I get it. She couldn’t have handled any more drama than she did. But I failed. Sweezy was my rock at work while Crystal was coming between Rachel and I, when we wouldn’t talk…when Rachel and Crystal would take a break, Sweezy would wait for me. She took care of me in very small ways. And I KNEW Crystal was bad news…I knew it and I didn’t talk about it right away and I didn’t fix it in the right way when I had the chance and I lost. I failed…so horribly and if I had just told Rachel that Ma didn’t trust Crystal, that Ma didn’t want Crystal in anyone’s life…I could have prevented so much. Rachel and I wouldn’t be together, and that’s okay…nobody would have gotten hurt like they did. Such a fail.

I could

have saved Erika, too. I could have told her that Crystal was talking behind her back, that Crystal wasn’t in it wholeheartedly. But I didn’t know how. I tried to talk to Rachel about it but she was believing all of Crystal’s lies. I remember specifically one day before work, we went to Braum’s and we were sitting at our usual table talking and Rachel showed me texts and we discussed something about Erika and Crystal. And I was adamant that Erika wouldn’t do whatever it was Crystal was saying she did. Because I KNOW Erika. Because I had been around her, because she was one of my very best friends at the time. I knew what Crystal was telling Rachel was a lie, but Rachel didn’t believe me and Crystal was damn good at making sure there was enough doubt in Rachel’s mind that she sided with Crystal. I failed at saving my two best friends. I may not have been cheated out of money, an iPad, had my heart crushed, my home invaded and everything else that Sweezy, Erika and Rachel went through…but my scars run just as deep. I lost my bestestest friend that I’ve ever had in the whole galaxy, I lost the first person I connected to at work after the accident (and kept in contact with…she’d give me hugs when I really needed them) and, somehow, I lost a piece of Erika along the way. And I dealt with the aftermath almost exclusively alone.

I’m not a trooper. I’m not as strong as I want people to believe. I’m barely stronger than I was when I learned I had a backbone this time last year when Kesha and I got into a fight that nearly ended our friendship. I’m quite weak when it comes to my friends and the people I care about and maybe it’s temporary. Maybe I’m just having a moment. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that I fucked up and I failed and I let other people suffer because I was afraid of fighting with Rachel, because I was afraid of hurting Erika’s feelings, because I was scared Sweezy couldn’t handle the truth about Crystal. I failed them miserably. Sweezy had to support Rachel while she was dealing with the crazy psychotic episodes of Crystal while Rachel was trying to keep her own sanity. I could have done something. I could have been honest from day one. Just saying "I’m afraid of losing my best friend" wasn’t enough…and I didn’t say that until it was too late. I wasn’t jealous. I wasn’t trying to control anyone. I just didn’t trust her and I didn’t know how to make anyone else see the monster I saw. I thought I could regulate, I thought by keeping Crystal close, I’d be able to save everyone else. I’m not a hero. I didn’t save anyone. At the end of December, I was forced to save myself. Middle of January, I was forced to walk away and fix my own brokenness because I had nobody else to take care of or who needed me. Honestly, I felt like nobody wanted me at that point. So I took care of myself. I pretended I was okay, I pretended I had my shit together…but my world was cold and colorless. All my laughter, all my love, all my happiness, all my color, all that made my life fucking fantastic was gone…because of one insane person.

One person prevented me from saving three hearts…and ultimately, as much as I want to blame Crystal…that person was me