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9:43 pm – watching: despicable me

I love this movie. This is the second time I’ve watched it since February. It takes me back to some happy times in my life.

Rachel and I had a really good talk last night. I wish I could remember more of it. And she shared a picture with me today that said "If two past lovers can remain friends it’s either they are still in love or never were." I commented on it (photo stream for those of you who have iphones) because I never thought of it like that. We are friends…and we were very much in love…so I guess that means we still are. Makes complete sense. I can’t even think of how I want to word what I want to say. We’re best friends who used to seriously date who still love each other deeply. I guess that works. It’s not rocket science, to say the least, but it’s not exactly black and white.

Love just doesn’t always work that way. I love her with all my heart and soul and I don’t go around kissing and cuddling any of my other friends. That’d just be weird as hell. But I know that it’s Rachel and not having a label makes it easier. My mom asked Saturday when I came home from lunch if Rach and I are "just friends". I told her that we don’t have a label, but if she needed something to make her feel better about what we are, then yes, we are just friends.

Even when we dated, not many people saw us together in our element, in our "home life". We have a mutual friend, Sweezy, who we spend nearly every Saturday with. We don’t hold hands all the time and we don’t kiss all the time, but we definitely have our moments (especially when Sweezy and her ex-husband whom she has a crush on, am get to kissing and such) that blur the lines. If any of our other friends saw us, they would be up in arms and ask a million questions.

First off, it’s nobody’s business and this time around, I’m not about to tell ANYONE anything that they don’t need to know. Fuck that. Nobody gets to use what I tell them against me. OH! That was something we talked about. We were played sooooo well. Cuntbag had her own little orchestra going on she was so good at playing people. She told me that I "had made up my mind" about Rachel and I needed to talk to her and break up with her. AT THE VERY SAME TIME, she’s texting Rachel and telling her to give me another chance. Didn’t find that out until last night. But I remember that day. Cuntbag told me she was texting Erika, a mutual friend.

I’ve sadly put myself in the position where I really don’t know who I can talk to. I talk to Sweezy, but not about things too personal. We joke around, I tell her about Rachel, she tells me about Cam, we get out our frustrations with what’s happened since January and everyone involved. I trust her. But she was there, she took care of Rachel and supported Rachel when she had nobody. And when I removed her from my life, when I came back to make amends, she was there. She accepted me back with open arms and she reminded me of why I didn’t let anything anger me to the point where we couldn’t be friends. She had a choice and she was being fed lies and I understand why things happened like they did.

Rachel and I did get to talk a bit about things. It wasn’t a bad conversation, I think it was one we needed to have. I was a little bit drunk and that’s why I don’t remember it very well. It was good. I’m glad that even though we don’t always want to talk about what happened, we can and we do. Even I know that it’s not ideal, things happened and were said that shouldn’t have happened or been said, but there’s no changing it. Lesson learned and there are times I wish it hadn’t. Rachel says she would have reached out regardless. I’m not sure she would have. But I know I wasn’t going to be the one who reached out first. I was going to actually listen to what she said.

I have no idea what the point was of all this was. I got off track. So many things bouncing through my head, I suppose. I’ll end with this: I lost my best friend for two months and it seems like an insignificant amount of time, but that two months changed me. For the better, absolutely. I’ve had my best friend back for a month and one day. Yeah, I remember and I won’t mention it again after this entry (verbally or written) because she never truly left. She’s been in my heart from day one and she’ll always be in my heart. She’s my best friend in the whole entire galaxy. No amount of time can erase that.