I’m Back

1202 am – listening to "Only One In Color" Trapt

I could have used my diary the last couple of days, but I will admit that it helped me actually DEAL rather than VENT about my drama.

I’ve been in a funk for, what, three weeks? I was in a funk well before it actually started to show…because I can hide it for a minute. I finally sorted it all out. I talked to Crystal on Sunday…I gave her a ride to work and I explained to the best of my ability why I had turned into a douche. And it was well received. I didn’t feel like I over-explained, I didn’t feel like I made things worse…in fact, all the terrible things I thought would happen, didn’t. She understood and was glad we were able to talk. I was, too. And I didn’t do it to get praise, I didn’t do it because I was told to do it. I did it because the need to do it outweighed the fear of doing it later. I’m proud of myself. I did handle the situation, like Rachel said. But her praise did make better. I hate that I need…not approval, but …praise knowing that I’m finally doing something right. I had just felt like, for sooooo long, that I wasn’t doing ANYTHING right for ANYONE…and knowing that I made the conscious decision to NOT put it off made a difference for everyone was what I needed.

Let me tell you…Sunday night. I got home from work and Kesha, my ex-best friend, gave me Hell for not being ad a vigil for someone we went to high school with. She was much closer to him than I was, and his death happens to be in part of what I don’t remember so I wasn’t particularly drawn to standing in the 40 degree weather with people I haven’t seen in 7 years. I am very thankful for Dashawn’s sacrifice. I believe he was a Marine, definitely in the military, and he was murdered in Thailand…viciously murdered. Stabbed to death, if my memory recalls correctly. And he was a cool guy in school. He was a jokster, but still kinda quiet. He seemed nice, I just wasn’t close enough to be there. So she gives me hell and I told her off. I said "You’re a bitch, fuck off, don’t talk to me." I have literally had ENOUGH of her. Enough. I’m done, never again. So, I sit at the table and my mom comes out and…to make a long story short, she ended up crying and I ended up saying some very unnecessary things. So, I text Rachel and asked if I could get the crown from her because I got into a fight. I beat myself up all the way there because I made my mom cry and I hate it when she cries, especially because of me…but I just couldn’t handle Kesha’s attitude and her neediness. I KNOW she misses Rachel, I KNOW she wants to see her…I miss my girlfriend, too. But I do get to see her at work, Mom doesn’t. But she hasn’t asked for like 2 or 3 months when Rachel will be coming over again and it was just very poor timing because she did ask. So, I got to Rachel’s and she brought out the crown, I explained in the car cuz it was warm and it’s been freezing lately…and it was the first time in like 2 weeks that we really got to talk…about anything. Because I’ve been SO crabby and dodgy and angry, I just shut everyone out.

After we talked, she was ready to go inside and we hugged and then we kissed….and then we kissed again…and then she hugged me again and I kept saying she has to get out of the car…but I can’t take my lips off her. I’m not really a hands-on kisser. Unless I’m really into it and it’s hot…but my hand was definitely on the back of her head as we kissed. I can’t even…that sounds bad. It wasn’t bad, it was a good thing, I couldn’t get close enough. I almost…if we hadn’t stopped, 10 seconds later, I would have pulled her into the back seat to get her closer. I’m still slightly reeling from that. I didn’t realize until 10 minutes later that I REALLY needed that kiss. We’ve pecked and had a couple of deep kisses, but this was passionate and just the way her lips touch mine and her fingers sift through my hair and the electricity that just builds…we both needed that. It was reassuring and definitely made everything feel like we were on the right track again. Needless to say, I cannot wait for her to be in my arms again. I don’t normally kiss her when she drops me off after work…I’ve really gotten to a place where I don’t need that constant touching and affection. But tonight, I just…I wanted to kiss her and instead of hesitating and being fickle, I kissed her. This time, I shocked her and it wasn’t from the electricity that we build…it was static electricity coming from my lips haha I shocked and zapped myself for a good 15-20 minutes after that when I got inside.

My mom needed her insulin and so I took it to her and I did lecture her a little. She can’t forget it, I worry about her when she doesn’t have her medicine. I got a nice text "Thank you for caring" and I said "You’re my mom. Of course I care. I’d bring it even if I wasn’t getting out" and I would. Because she’s my mom and even though we can’t stand each other, I love her and I want her to be around for at least another 20 years so she can see J and little R grow up.

I shaved alllll my facial hair off last night…and I look like I’m 12. It’s been a long time since I made the conscious decision to do it. I was looking for a way to show Rachel that as big of a dick as I can be, I do care about her and I wanted to do something for her and I was under the assumption that she likes clean shaved faces, but I couldn’t remember. And of course she gave the typical "it’s your face, do what you want" spiel. But I did it…and I may stick with it for a couple of weeks. I looked in the mirror today and I said, "It’s part of who I am. I’ll always have just a little bit." I love when she touches my face, I want her to always touch my face. She’s the first person I’ve ever let touch my face without flinching or turning away. And sometimes I do flinch, sometimes I do pull away a little, but it’s out of habit, not because I don’t trust her. Old habits die hard and I’m trying with diligence to kill the lil fuckers I don’t need anymore.

I’m becoming a man. I don’t think I’ve really been a man before. I’ve been an "adult", I’ve grown up a lot…but I haven’t taken responsibility for a lot of things. I’m still fickle, I’m still very much childish, but I’m learning a little more each day. I’ve started to mediate, I’ve started studying Tao, which I’ll explain in a later entry. Change abounds. And I’m so bummed that the supplements I wanted to get at Walgreen’s weren’t there! Multivitamins, gonna start working out again…make differences that I know I need to make and hopefully I’ll find an inner peace of body as well as mind. So, I ordered them online. 🙂 Let’s hope it’s better than Walmart…haha

(and you can tell I’m back because I’m not all morbid and this is an actual entry… I’ll get back to DePhMo, I promise :))