I’m baaaaaaack

9:18 am – listening to: "blind" by ke$ha

I FAILED. I read like one diary for maybe three entries before I decided to not come back to OD. I’ll be honest, I had no intentions of coming back. I didn’t want to change anything, I didn’t want to update. Hell, I was almost over facebook and stayed away from it for a bit. But let me tell you how my February and March went and you’ll understand why I’m back. FYI – this is a dozy and it’s long.

I packed ALL the things I wanted to take with me to North Carolina. I was rearing and ready to go. Starting over was my ultimate goal. I thought I’d be out there for school, completely change my life and move forward with my life. I had a few friends over before I left. We played some games, ate some food, talked about memories, and had some amazing laughs. My mom even took the day off so she could hang out with us. It was very small, only six people plus Ma and myself. But it were the people that I needed most and who supported me. So the big day came, I boarded my 6:35 am flight to Greensboro, NC from Oklahoma City. The flight to Denver was easy, but it always is. The flight from Denver to Charlotte, NC was much longer and it gave me entirely too long to contemplate my life. I couldn’t believe I had actually made the decision to MOVE. And not just move out of the house, but move several states away from everyone I love and need. That portion of the flight was spent thinking about Rachel. How we were supposed to be on a plane, going to San Diego, making memories together. I made it a point to listen to songs that couldn’t remind me of her. I finally landed in Greensboro after getting on a bi-plane in Charlotte. Saw my brother Mike, whom I apparently hadn’t seen since our dad’s funeral in 2008. Mind you, he was going to be my new roommate.

First day there: I ate, we hung out and then I slept. Gaining an hour and then losing two hours…it messed with me and I was stressed out enough without changing time like that. We got up and did nothing. Watched some tv, I played on my laptop and realized that I was in the process of making a terrible mistake. But, I figured that I was just weak. That I had never lived so far from home and I was just homesick and I needed to suck it up and deal with it. I’ll admit it, that night, I cried a lot. But I cried because I realized what I was doing was running away from my life with Rachel. I knew even BEING there was the start of something I couldn’t go back on. Something that would mean the end of Rachel and I forever. There was no going back. And I mourned. I hadn’t cried in a good month and a half or so…but I realized how much I really missed her. I was all alone in a new place and all I wanted was to talk to her because I knew she’d make me feel better. But I wasn’t about to text her first.

Day two: Went to school with Mike (It was Friday 3/1) and I met some of his friends. He was in class for a whole 10 minutes before he joined me in the common area. I was pissed that I had gotten up at 7 in the morning for that bullshit. Hell no. I realized I wasn’t about to deal with that for long. I had learned quickly what I was walking into: My 34-year-old brother has no job, no car, no drivers license, 3 plates, 2 bowls, no cups, doesn’t take out the trash, leaves food on the stove FOR AN ENTIRE DAY AFTER IT HAS BEEN COOKED AND THEN EATS A PORK CHOP THAT SHOULD KILL SOMEONE! It was NOT ideal. I took out the trash while I was there because his apartment was a mess when I got there and I don’t roll like that homie. So, after his friends get out of class and goof off for about 30 minutes (and they were louder and more obnoxious than me and my friends…and I rarely get embarrassed with my friends – I was mortified a couple of times). I even had one of his friends hit on me. I found out later that she’s balls to the wall crazy and has a 2 year old and she’s 18. Thank GOD I didn’t notice she was hitting on me to the degree that I flirted back with her. SHE WORE A GOLD TRACK SUIT!! Ok…let me also say this: My brother Mike is 100% black. The area he lives in is probably 95% black. The friends of his I met, 90% black (but there were 2 guys who were black but didn’t fit the stereotypical mold I had experienced with everyone else) And yes, EVERYTHING about his friends is stereotypical and it’s HORRIBLE that I’d even consider that, but it’s true! "Whadup mah nigga!?" is something I would NEVER EVER say. And the N-word in general…it’s not even a part of my vocabulary when I use it in the dictionary way it was written! It’s offensive to me and I just…no. It was a BAD situation. But it’s not over. We go shopping at BJ’s Wholesale – which was kinda cool. It’s like a Costco or a Sam’s Club (we have Sam’s Club in OK, it’s all I have) and we played on the motorized scooter and I made his friends laugh. Back in the car, they’re blaring hard core rap…and they were impressed that I knew the words! I was too…thanks to my cousin (who is white and native american) who listens to rap so it’s on my iTunes. Back at Mike’s place, they turn on the hardcore shit and I’m aware of what’s about to happen. So I go into the bedroom and start hanging up clothes in the closet. Next thing I know, I’m being handed a joint and I just smirked and passed it along. I don’t do pot. I don’t do drugs. It’s just never been anything I could get my hands on, and when I could, I couldn’t follow through. I didn’t "sow my wild oats" with drugs. I sowed them with lying and driving across the country to see girlfriends who lived in other states. After an hour or so, friends leave and Mike realizes we haven’t eaten since 3 that morning (and it’s nearly 5 in the afternoon) and he doesn’t have anything to eat besides ramen noodles. He also doesn’t have a clean pot to boil water in. His solution? He goes and takes a nap. His kids show up which was totally awesome. I love my niece and nephew and hadn’t seen them since I was 16 when he married their mom. And they’re BOTH MUCH taller than me. But I played video games with DayDay (his son) and ZaZa played Sims and we talked about music and we had a blast. Mike made chicken patties that he found in the back of the freezer and hung out in his room with one of his little girlfriends while they smoked TWO joints. THEN THEN he leaves with her…so I’ve got these kids that I don’t REALLY know all that well, family or not. Whatever. We had a blast and we talked shit and it was a lot of fun. I love those kids. I miss them. Day fell asleep on the floor and Za and I were talking about his positioning. She sleeps like he does, Mike sleeps like they do, I sleep like Mike does, our little brother John sleeps like that (at least used to) and I know our brother Jeff (between Mike and myself) sleeps like that. So Za and I dubbed it the Burns Position which made her crack up. Mike came back with funyuns for me and a muffin for her about 2 hours later. Day gets up and moves to the bedroom, Za gets down on the floor where Day was, Mike stretches out on the couch and I passed out in the chair. I woke up and found out Za took a couple of pictures of me sleeping and then I put a blanket over her and crawled into the bed and passed smooth out. I heard them leave, but didn’t get to say bye. They’ll see me again, no big.

DAY THREE/HOME COMING: It’s Saturday. Mike goes to dialysis for 4 hours, I hung out at home and played video games and

wrote Rachel a letter. I had decided that I would send her a letter when I got home and that would be my last communication. I missed her so much while I was gone. I realized that in OK I had so many distractions – friends, chores, my dogs, my mom – that the only time I was really aware of thinking about her was when things got quiet and slowed down. Things were always slow in NC so I was always aware of how much I was thinking about her. It wasn’t something I knew I could easily adjust to, but I was still determined to do it. I was gonna move and I was going to be happy, damn it. So, with no internet and no cable, I wrote this letter and I took a nap. I needed to get my head on straight and prepare for the flight home. Mike got home, toked up with some pot and took a nap. He woke up about 3 hours later, we ordered sliders from Pizza Hut (which were good, btw) and I listened to him dirty talk some chick. I call her a chick because he called her a chick. Let me tell you something – Mike said he’d watch porn with Jeff. I told him that’s weird. I only watch porn one of two times: Alone or with someone I’m about to have sex with. And neither of those are happening with him around. So I knew at that time, this one bedroom apartment sitch was not going to work for long, if at all. He blabs on about this chick and I block him out with thoughts of Rachel and music. It was just easier to think about Rachel because I can tune out the entire world when I think about her. Even tuned out the music. I was lost in my own little world and he finally figured out I didn’t give two shits about how good his little friend is at her dirty talk and picture taking and moved on with his life. Around 11, I crawled into bed because we had to be up at 5 so I could get to the airport. I got SUPER sick on the way to the airport. I couldn’t decide which end it was coming out of, so we stopped and my body decided and then we got to the airport. I had a total of 5 minutes to get through security and catch my plane. I nearly lost my pants because I didn’t put my belt on. It was not ideal and I was hating myself. Boarded the plane, sat at the very back (which was nice) in a seat by myself and just listened to my music. I slept on that 45 minute flight. I wander slowly through the Charlotte airport to my gate and hang out. I go through pictures of Rachel and I and I realize that I miss her and I want to talk to her. I pushed it out of my mind by playing Sims. I couldn’t dwell and I knew exactly what I was doing. I was silently praying she’d come back and if she did, that she’d realize she missed me and wanted me in her life. And if she did and she found out I was moving, if she asked me to stay, I would. I was fully aware that I’d stay for her to be in my life. And I didn’t know how to deal with that. Board plane – I slept most of that flight simply because it was a packed flight and I was mentally exhausted. By that flight, I knew I wasn’t going to move out to North Carolina. I knew I couldn’t do it, that I needed that trip in January. If I had visited Mike in January after we broke up, I would have had incentive to follow through and actually move my ass out there. By the time I went on that trip and was headed home, March 3rd, I didn’t need to run away anymore. That’s what I was doing, running away. I wasn’t starting over because I needed to, because I wanted to. I was running away because I was under the impression that Rachel was perfectly happy with cuntbag and had no use for me in her life ever again. But, if I had gone in January, I would have moved out there in February and I wouldn’t be here right now. Upon arrival, I see my mom and my cousin Emily and I give them the biggest hugs I’ve ever given either of them. It was so good to be home. I was so happy and I knew where I belonged. And it wasn’t NC. I was STARVING because I hadn’t eaten since Denver and that was at 10 in the morning, I hadn’t eaten for nearly 12 hours before that so we decided to go to Red Lobster. My friend Kesha met us there when she got off work at 6 pm. Ma actually crawled into the back of my jeep and took a nap because she hadn’t slept much because she was afraid she’d forget to get me at the airport. I came home and gave my babies so much love. I laid on the floor with Lucy and Emmy and I told them I’d never leave them again. I was certain I was where I needed to be.

So. I was home. I printed my letter to Rachel and put it in an envelop. I decided I wasn’t going to put a return address in the event that she’d recognize my address and handwriting and trash the letter without reading it. I wanted her to know everything..and even with that, I hadn’t told her everything. I let her know I missed my best friend, which I did. Which I do. Even if we never ever get back together, even if the romantic aspect of our relationship has played itself out…she was and still is my very best friend in the whole universe and I miss that part of my life…more than words. I went to court on Tuesday March 5th to have my name legally changed. It was the best day of my life. Liberating in so many ways. So much to do and I couldn’t get it done fast enough. That morning, before court, Rachel text me. She sent me a picture of a necklace that I thought I had given her, but apparently not. Asked me if I wanted it back. I waited until after court to text her back. It was intentional. I wanted so badly for her to know I had done it…she was my biggest supporter. But I was mad, I didn’t think she deserved to know. So, my text was cold and formal. "Sorry, just got out of court. No, I don’t want the necklace" and that was it. My one and only chance to talk to her – and I didn’t even tell her the most important happening in my life. Technically, she was the first to know I got out of court, but I didn’t tell her I had been granted the name change. I wrote in her letter, I told her I did it. I said goodbye and I put it in the mail. I went about my life. I changed my birth certificate, got a new social security card, notified my credit union of my name change. I posted a picture of my new license to facebook. I was so proud, but I was so sad because Rachel wasn’t a part of it. And, honestly, she was the only one who consistently called me Colby. My mom switched to CJ, because she can’t remember Colby. And most of the time, she can’t remember CJ. I don’t see my friends who do call me Colby often so it only appears in text messages and comments on fb. I went so long without hearing Colby that I had almost forgotten it was my name. It had lost its magic. There really is that one person who can say your name and give it so much meaning. Rachel is that person for me.

I was STILL determined to make NC work. But after putting Rachel’s letter in the mail, after getting her text…I just had something pushing me towards her. So I broke my number one rule after we broke up: I asked my friend Erika to ask Rachel something about a bill I had received stemming from the accident in May. It was the best rule I’ve ever broken. Rachel gave her a fully detailed answer, like I knew she would. I was satisfied knowing Rachel had talked about me and was willing to talk to Erika for me. The next thing I know, the tone I had set for Rachel’s number goes off. She text me. Asked me about the bill. Asked me if she could call. I almost died. But I obviously said yes. And her voice was like magic. It was hard to not smile as I talked. It’s time t

o get off the phone and I stumbled. I didn’t know how to end it "So, I guess I’ll talk to you…not later, but you know…." and she said "Well, do you want to talk to me?" and I fucked that up too. "Well, yeah. I mean, no. Yeah, do you want to talk to me?" and I was shaking my head at how ridiculous I sounded that I don’t remember her response. But it was yes. Later on, she asked if I wanted to meet up and talk. We met at IHOP, went shopping at Wal-Mart and it was as if no time had passed between us. We were laughing and cracking jokes at each other within minutes. She even sat next to me at IHOP and I got two hugs in the parking lot before we parted ways. I wanted to kiss her so badly. But I didn’t. She ended up calling me later and we spent over three hours on the phone just talking and laughing. It was amazing.

That was Wednesday. I’ll just give you the highlights from now on. I kissed her at lunch on Thursday. I made out with her on Friday at lunch. She went to her parents over the weekend. I saw her Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and this morning. And I think I’ve kissed her every single time I’ve seen her…or she’s kissed me. There was one day where she kissed my cheek when she got out of the car cuz she was running late. Say what you will, I don’t care. We are what we are and we are happy with whatever that is. Last week, while she was at her parents she was telling me about a friend who was having a bad bad day. She was going to get this friend a new ipad because hers had been stolen. I picked up the ipad and took it to her on Saturday. Sweezy and I reconnected instantly. It was SO good seeing her and being with her. I spent like 3 hours with her because we just needed to straighten it out and get back together. Sweezy was my buddy call person after the accident when I got back to work and put on the phones. she drew me out of my shell, made me ask a lot of tough questions and when we worked for Walmart, she was my rock when Rachel and I were falling apart. And when we started working for WOW in January, and Rachel and cuntbag had walked away, I told Sweezy that I would never ask her to pick sides, that I wanted to be her friend but I didn’t want to cause drama. It took a whole three days before she stopped talking to me. My heart was broken, I won’t lie. I had lost my best friend, my love, and almost every friend at work but Erika in the process. I was alone, and I made some friends, but only one of them did I kinda trust and that’s only because she was a coach. She was Rachel’s coach and I knew she’d be respectful and not blab the fact that I was crying in class to Rachel. Sweezy and I worked out a ton of lies that cuntbag had spread about people and it was great.

Super long story short: I’m not moving, Rachel and I are talking again on a daily basis, I’ve got my friends back and we’ve worked out what went wrong because we were all being lied to by one single person, I have my name legally changed and the last two weeks have been absolutely phenomenal. And…tonight is game night at Sweezy’s and Rach and I are going and she’s staying the night with me. I’m freaking out…because I get to sleep next to Rachel tonight. In my arms. In my bed. In my room. Tonight. I know it’s nothing to get used to, but I’ve missed it SOOO much. It’s hard to fathom the fact that she’s actually going to be in my bed for the night. I never thought I’d have that again.

Boy…it’s great to be back.