Decisions

1019 pm – listening to pandora radio

I’m on my 90s kick again. Seems to make me a little more introverted and feel a little more in control. 6 more working days for walmart.com and then I’m done with that ridiculous shiza. I can’t wait, on one hand. It’s ruined my ability to be a normal human being. I’ve been so moody and pretentious and ridiculous since starting. Actually, that’s the only downside, I suppose. If everything works out, I’ll still see Rachel at work. At first, I wasn’t going to go to the other campaign. I think I’d like to have benefits, but I know I don’t want to be tied to that place any longer than I have to be. My immediate response when I heard the hours (530a – 215p) I scoffed. It’s not for me. I could barely get to work at 630 in the morning for training…or was that 6? I don’t even remember because I was brain dead until almost 9 am. I’m not a morning person. But the campaign literally calls for 5-2 or 2-11. If I decide to work the later shift, I won’t see Rachel. Days off will probably be different and I’ll be coming in as she’s walking out. Getting there early does me no good to see her and spend time with her. I didn’t think about that, it wasn’t my first thought. But her kids were her first thought. I don’t go to anything they do, like school plays or anything like that, but they take priority. Wanted to poke her in the eye when she said she’d work the later shift to see me. It’s easier for me to adjust to a morning schedule than it is for her to miss anything her kids do. I’d never forgive myself if that happened because of me. So, we shall see. Decisions to be made.

I’m seriously hoping things are turning around and are going to stay on the positive track. Rachel stayed last night and it was phenomenal. I had fun, I think she did, and I am always glad when I feel her close to me as I fall asleep. There are very few things in the world for me that compare. I’ve never been…happy…until I met her. I didn’t have a backbone that I could use on my own, I didn’t know how to say "no" nor did I know how to walk away…and I wasn’t an effective communicator. I had a lot that wasn’t going for me and I’ve since been able to turn things around and also improve things that were good. I’m about to start a new chapter in my life, though. It’s one that affects her every step of the way, as well. Not as deeply as it does me, but it’ll be a factor in our future. I’ve really stepped back from the future, it really only comes up when I’m drunk or sad, but I’ve been able to remove myself for the most part. We’ll see if this helps or hinders. And frankly, if anything else big hinders us, we won’t make it. We both know, and agree I believe, that another fight will be the end. It’s not stepping on eggshells, because as much as I love her, I can’t do that and be honest. It’s simply being honest about the situation and facing the fact that life isn’t perfect, but if we can’t make the best of it and support each other, then we just need to back away. I love her, I’m so in love with her and the thought of not having her by my side brings tears to my eyes. But I’ve seen how I frustrate her and how I make her cry and how I hurt her. I’m capable of so much damage and I realize that nobody can help me get over all my baggage. I need to learn to be a man, to stand on my own, to tackle things by myself without always relying on Rachel to make it make sense. I relied on her so much after the accident. I put so much pressure on her. And I’ve done next to nothing to prove I’m worthy of her love, her time, her effort. I’ll find a way. Things won’t always be this extreme balancing act…because I have seen us happy, I’ve felt us happy and without any pressure…without any walls….